True or false: Engaging in conflict will end a relationship. Believe it or not, the answer is false. Yes, it’s a common fear, but the reality is that if we’re committed to finding a resolution, conflict can strengthen a relationship and spur innovation.

A natural tendency for many of us is to avoid conflict and our doing so comes at a huge cost. When we’re afraid to engage in conflict, we stay silent. Conversations don’t happen. And when there is no open exchange of thoughts and feelings, innovation suffers.

Disagreement and conflict can be healthy precursors to achieving desirable results, so it’s important to invite others to fully express their perspectives—with you and the rest of the team—even if some initial friction results. A number of factors can cause friction between team members including bias, the desire to be right, opposing personal values, etc. The reality is that disagreements don’t need to be personal.

We frequently weigh in on our blog and in our resources about the importance of creating more robust inclusion in the workplace. The main idea being that inclusive cultures require collaboration and diversity of thought, where each team member has an equal opportunity to share their perspective.

A Deloitte article titled “DIVERSITY’S NEW FRONTIER” shares how conflict impacts this type of environment:

“Diversity of thought challenges managers to rethink conflict itself, shifting their perspective away from mitigating conflict’s negative effects and toward designing conflict that can push their teams to new levels of creativity and productivity.”

Conflict can be productive, and we can find gold in its resolution. That said, if its not managed appropriately, conflict escalates quickly. When strong emotions emerge, such as rage or contempt, it can lead people involved to feel unsafe – naturally inhibiting innovation and making relationships much more difficult to repair. It’s important for leadership to be aware of the social dynamics within their teams and be ready to step in if a disagreement does begin to take a turn for the worse.

But what can you do as a leader when heads collide, causing friction between your team members? It comes in the form of conflict management. At its core, the purpose of conflict management is to approach any dispute in a way that will ensure that the disagreement occurs constructively.

Here’s four ways to effectively manage conflict in the moment when collaborating with your team:

1. Show curiosity and respect for even the most oddball ideas.

While not all ideas that are brought to the table will be part of a final decision, an inclusive culture doesn’t expect them to be.

Sharing ideas often includes brainstorming, where creativity can flow freely and strong merit doesn’t have to be present before expressing an idea. Listen with curiosity. Although respectful feedback or criticism of ideas may naturally arise among team members (which can be a productive part of the decision-making process), make sure to address and diffuse any criticism that becomes personal and is directed toward a person rather than an idea. Remember: When respect is given, tension is diffused.

As a leader, also keep in mind that behind every idea or vision someone brings to the table (no matter how unusual or unpopular) is a value to be understood.

2. Use data.

As the saying goes, numbers don’t lie.

When several ideas are on the table, divert attention to what does (or doesn’t) support each idea. Depending on the topic or decision at hand, what data are you currently looking at? What does the historical data show? Do you have a projected ROI?

Having objective data to use as a benchmark can help determine which proposed ideas have the most merit, and provides an effective way to reach a final decision without being dismissive of individual ideas.

3. Own the decision.

Understanding that you (and perhaps other leaders within your organization) own the final decision is an important precursor to team collaboration.

As a leader, it’s necessary to fully take different perspectives into consideration and avoid “the illusion of inclusion.” However, at the end of the day, the decision is yours.

Without this sense of ownership, your team members are left pointing in different directions. You must be the one to decide which direction will be the most beneficial for the entire company. Consensus is not a requirement to making a decision —call the final shot to end lingering disagreements and deliver on expected deadlines.

4. Address lingering emotions through follow-up conversations.

The last and probably most important recommendation we can make is to address any emotions that may be lingering after a conflict has occurred. Whether it was a small disagreement or a heated argument, it’s important to know where each team member stands. if the matter at hand was resolved during the meeting, follow-up conversations can address any underlying issues that may have been overlooked in the first place and could potentially have a negative impact on your workplace culture now or in the future.

Commit to having either group or one-on-one conversations to discuss behavior and emotion, both yours and theirs, to create a feeling of understanding and reestablish a sense of team unity. This lets your team know that you care about how they feel.

In summary, conflict isn’t always a bad thing.

Challenging a colleague’s opinion and “interrogating their reality,” as Fierce CEO Susan Scott would say, can produce amazing business results. It is important to know how to have these conversations tactfully to avoid a full-blown argument that accomplishes little. Great leaders know how to facilitate these conversations and set aside ego while practicing patience and self-awareness.

Whether it is a work conflict or a relationship issue, you owe it to yourself (and the other person) to have the difficult conversation to move the relationship forward. Take action and be Fierce today.

This blog was originally published April 5, 2017 on the Fierce blog; last updated December 13, 2018.

What’s the impact of a Fierce conversation before it’s even happened?

How often do you have a conversation with yourself before a team meeting, an interview, or prior to delivering feedback or confronting a problem?

Consider it an essential part of your prep time, integrated into the normal routine of preparing for a meeting. And depending on the situation or person, it can take anywhere from a few minutes to many. The value of a conversation with someone else begins with the conversation you have with yourself.

Why? Because all conversations are with yourself, and sometimes they involve other people.

Last summer we published a blog post on how to clean up a “messy conversation”. You know the kind, the ones that have an aftermath or an aftertaste that is less than positive. Someone lost their temper, or they retreated into the human tendency to defend, deny, or deflect.

And in the aftermath? Neither you nor your colleague enriched your relationship. Trust wasn’t built. Maybe the actual issue wasn’t entirely identified, or solutions weren’t discussed because somewhere along the way in the conversation, things went awry. Both you and your direct report leave they conversation with a bad taste in your mouth because neither of you said what was really on your mind, or you didn’t say it in a way that made it possible to enrich the relationship.

I’ve got the perfect example of this. A few years ago, I was working for a chemical company and our primary clients were engineers I visited each month. Over the course of my tenure with this organization, I slowly built relationships with each of these individuals. Eventually, I left the company to take a new job opportunity.

A few weeks later, I came to find that I didn’t do a good job of saying goodbye. One of my clients, a building engineer at the Kennedy Center, called me on my cell. He shared that he was upset, and I immediately thought this had to do with a recent order. I explained that I wouldn’t be able to assist him on this front as I was no longer with the company. He paused for a moment and then elaborated, “I’m upset that you didn’t contact me to say you were leaving.” Ouch. This caught me off guard. I didn’t realize the effect my leaving had on these clients, and it opened my eyes to the importance of understanding more of what people are feeling.

I left a positive impression on my customers and the emotional wake that came with not reaching out to share my departure genuinely hurt the relationships I developed with each of these individuals. Since then, I’ve become more mindful especially as I continue to grow in my leadership role here at Fierce.

I consistently ask myself, am I enriching this relationship? And how can I do so with each conversation I’m having?

As a manager, leader, executive, or CEO, you may be wondering where to start. How do I take responsibility for my emotional wake and go into any a difficult conversation with the tools to make it effective and engage my colleague(s) at the same time?

It starts by being real with yourself. You have to be deliberate and intentionally come out from behind yourself (i.e., the context filters you have of the world) and show up to the conversation.

And don’t let that voice in your head tell you that being real with yourself and with others is too scary, too much of a risk. Like Susan Scott says, unreal conversations are incredibly expensive for both organizations and individuals.

I know for a fact that being real can be challenging. Growing up in Canada, being polite was considered more important than being real. It was just how I was raised. I would avoid saying anything that could be construed as negative to anyone, even though it might’ve been completely valid feedback and something that genuinely needed to be said. Fierce has equipped me with the skills needed to have conversations in a manner where I am able to effectively share feedback, collaborate with my team, and confront when needed in my day to day.

As a leader, there are ways you can be real while still enriching the relationship.

Pay attention to your influence.

What effect do you have after you leave a room, finish a call, exit a meeting? How would your delivery be affected if you thought about the impact before the conversation?

Think of an emotional wake like an earthquake. In the wake of the quake, after the rumbling and friction deep within the earth’s tectonic plates has ceased, there may be after-effects: trembling, buildings crumbling, and perhaps a few smaller quakes. Your words and the conversations that you have deliver a similar effect: an aftertaste, aftermath, or afterglow.

Paying attention to your emotional wake requires that you tune in and take responsibility for it.

When a conversation is real, the change occurs before the conversation has ended. Everyone involved has the conversation. Both you and your colleagues will gain insights into who you are and what you really want, and the unnecessary clutter and filters of your mind will be cleared out so you can see the solution more clearly.

The conversation is the relationship, and your relationships are succeeding or failing one conversation at a time. Taking the time to begin a conversation with yourself prioritizes the relationship that you have with your colleagues.

So how do you go about beginning a conversation by having one with yourself?

Write a stump speech.

In her bestselling book “Fierce Conversations,” Fierce Founder & CEO Susan Scott shares a conversation model that leaders can use to clarify their intentions. Consider this your stump speech, a conversation that is clear and concise and that you could share with anyone who asks.

Answer these questions:

1. ​Where are you going?
2. Why are you going there?
3. Who is going with you?
4. How are you going to get there?

Conversations are like a journey. There’s a beginning, an in-the-thick-of-it, and a destination that is more of a pit stop than anything.

Fierce conversations are ongoing, and for this reason it’s important to think about where you’ll take this conversation and how it will impact your future conversations with colleagues.

Have a Mineral Rights conversation with yourself.

At Fierce, we use a conversation model in our coaching program called Mineral Rights. In a Mineral Rights conversation, you lead with questions that get to the heart of an issue and explore what the potential solutions could be.

The beauty of a Mineral Rights conversation is that you can have one with yourself. Yes, they require courage, and they enable us to see the reality of a situation as well as our own truths. And an acknowledgement that our truths are not the same ones that our colleagues or direct reports have.

During your fierce conversation with yourself, explore and discern the following truths to get to the heart of reality and determine where you may have a role in the situation:

• ​Official truth — How things seem on the surface, which more often than not, is just propaganda. For example, saying “Everything is fine,” when there is actually an issue that needs to be resolved.
• Ground truth — What’s actually happening. It’s in the ground truths that we often admit to ourselves and others, “Hey, there’s an issue here that we need to address.”

Getting to the ground truth is a reality check that requires you to be completely honest with yourself, and it’s the only way you can properly hold yourself and others accountable.

Enter the conversation prepared to be real…and curious.

As a leader, the last thing you want to do is just talk about transparency. Instead, be transparent. Instead of asking for agreement and being frustrated when you don’t get it, challenge yourself to ask for the truth. And ask for that from your direct report.

Be prepared to be surprised by what you find out.

The conversation may evoke strong emotions in your direct report. By staying curious and continuing to dig into the issue through initial and follow-up questions, you can keep the conversation on track and keep it from escalating.

Make the conversation about the issue and not the person.

It’s easy to jump into blame-placing mode and want to point a finger at the person who you see as responsible for a problem. Yet that kind of reaction is guaranteed to alienate your employees.

This is why it helps to have a Mineral Rights conversation with yourself before your meeting or one-on-one and work through the series of questions that will help you identify the issue. You can then use this model in your conversation with your direct report to keep the focus on first identifying the issue, and second, discussing the solution.

And the afterglow of a Mineral Rights conversation? Your employees are engaged and are held able to identify problems and solutions, and you are building trust between the two of you.

And last but not least, you get the opportunity to be real with yourself and identify where you have contributed to the issue. As a leader, you are holding yourself able.

You can explore more conversation tools to help you navigate difficult conversations in your workplace in our Fierce Conversations programs. And check out our Confrontation program to dive deeper into how to have a successful confrontation conversation.

Today is the big day in the US: Midterm Elections. In light of this monumental event, we’re encouraging everyone we know to join a nationwide conversation and vote.

When you cast your ballot, you are choosing the people and policies that best represent you and your beliefs. More than ever in 2018, the level of enthusiasm, candidates, and measures continue to vary greatly. As a result, there is a higher chance of politics spilling over into the workplace today and well into the coming weeks ahead — if they haven’t already.

In our personal lives, we often surround ourselves with people that think the same way we do. At the office, we are exposed to a greater range of beliefs. While this can provide an opportunity to see another side of things, and have an added perspective, it can also lead to a higher chance to offend, or be offended.

This scenario of not seeing eye-to-eye is likely to pop up in all different scenes in your life – the office, school, church, grocery store, etc. The reality is, it is easy to point the finger. To disagree. To shut out. It is much harder to entertain an idea that competes with your own. To be curious. To be open.

Solid relationships and strong conversation skills will help ensure that discussions around politics remain civil and constructive.

Given that, I wanted to share an excerpt from Fierce’s Founder and CEO, Susan Scott in Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life, One Conversation at a Time:

What each of us believes to be true simply reflects our views about reality. When reality changes (and when doesn’t it?) and when we ignore competing realities, if we dig in our heels regarding a familiar or favored reality, we may fail. Perhaps what we thought was the truth is no longer the truth in today’s environment.

For example, most people believe that there are some people you just can’t talk to. That, as Satchmo said, “Some people, if they don’t know, you can’t tell them.” After we’ve experienced countless failed conversations over the years, such a belief is understandable.

I’ve observed, however, that it is also possible that the way we’ve been talking with people isn’t working. That our techniques for talking with “difficult” people haven’t worked, but other techniques can and do work, without rattling sabers or giving ultimatums. That is our beliefs about what we can say, as well as how and to whom we can say it, that are in the way, and that if we change our beliefs, productive conversations can easily occur.

And so, today, I’m challenging you to approach your conversations with good intention.

It is not enough to simply engage in a conversation. You need to have a plan and really drive for the desired outcomes that you seek — building a relationship, learning something new, or sharing a different perspective with a fellow team member.

No matter where your employees stand, these following tips can be useful in navigating these complicated topics:

• Ask yourself, what is my intent?

If you are considering approaching a political topic, be sure to question your intention and desired outcome. This can help put the conversation into perspective, and potentially avoid discussions that come from a less-than-genuine place. Do not start a conversation to gloat, to prod or to undercut under any circumstance.

• Watch your language.

As a rule, in any contentious conversation, instead of using “but” after validating someone’s opinion, use “and”. Example: “Yes I see your view, and I feel differently” instead of “Yes I see your view, but I feel differently.” Hear the difference? “And” is more inclusive.

• Take no for an answer.

While in almost all cases we encourage conversation, this is a bit different. Some people may be fine discussing political topics, while others have no interest. Respect your co-worker’s request to change the topic, and don’t bring it up again if they have made it clear they do not want to engage.

• Address behavior if necessary.

If there is someone specific who is causing tension, call out the behavior in a one‐to‐one setting. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this, ask your manager. Then, explore how the situation could be handled differently in a way that reflects the company’s core values.

For all of these conversations, the key is to ensure your employees are well-versed in having productive discussions, and also comfortable simply stating that they aren’t interested in diving into certain topics, and moving on.

We must nurture our relationships, our expectations, our respect for each other more than ever. And we need to do so, one conversation at a time.

It starts with you. Approach each and every conversation with good intention.