Negative Thinking Archives - Fierce

The Best Way to Manage Difficult Conversations at Work

Fierce — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 08:00:00 +0000

The start of a new year (not to mention a new decade) often comes with a new set of resolutions and meaningful changes we want to make in our lives, both at work and at home.

When we try to put our intentions into action, we are often met with a universal barrier: fear.

We all experience fear to some degree. It doesn’t always manifest as sweaty palms, timidity, or heart palpitations, either. Sometimes the presence of fear is subtle and sneaky, finding its way into areas of your life where it often goes unnoticed.

We may not attribute certain things to fear, but if you’ve ever found yourself micro-managing other people, dominating a conversation, or lashing out at drivers on the road, fear might be the culprit.

At Fierce, we know fear well. Our leadership training programs are aimed at values and concepts that require a certain degree of bravery to fulfill, including initiating difficult conversations and overcoming the sometimes painful yet common obstacles to success that arise in the workplace.

What we’ve seen time and time again is this: In order to achieve positive, lasting results, fear must first be confronted.

The presence of fear isn’t an issue in itself, and you don’t even have to get rid of it. In fact, you can learn to operate despite fear. However, without investigating it more closely, fear can begin to operate outside of your awareness by showing up as inhibitions that prevent you from experiencing what life could be.

Fear is worthy of a closer look because it plays a causal role in the life you are automatically leading versus the life you’d like to be intentionally creating.

Psychology Today details how surface-level fears boil down to five main core fears that we all share:

Extinction (death)
Mutilation (dismemberment)
Loss of Autonomy (loss of freedom or control)
Separation (rejection, abandonment)
Ego-death (loss of identity)

As a brain exercise, let’s reverse these “don’t-wants” into “wants”:

1. We want to live life to the fullest.
2. We want to be healthy.
3. We want freedom.
4. We want to connect with others.
5. We want to know who we are.

If fear is getting in the way, it’s generally because we’re focused on what we don’t want and what we’re afraid of rather than what we do want.

One effective approach to exposing your own fear is to visualize how things would be different in the best-case scenario. Envision what your environment, your relationships, and your professional achievements would look like in full bloom.

Then, ask yourself:

What conversations have you been avoiding with colleagues? What personal perspectives or concerns are you harboring that have yet to be expressed?

What have you been telling yourself and others that you’d like to do but have yet to take on?

What’s something you’d like to see become reality but have “practical” reasons as to why you can’t follow through?

If you can answer the what aspect of these questions, fear is likely present.

So, what is the cure — the antidote — the alternative?

It’s simple: taking action. Taking action isn’t just a Pollyanna “you can do it” type of platitude — it’s backed by neuroscientific research. A New York Times article on rewriting traumatic memories explains how positive exposure to a feared scenario can lessen fear related to that scenario over time.

It may sound like a daunting task to confront fear, but the objective is not to get rid of fear altogether. Instead, it’s to become aware of it and take action in opposition to it.

Fortunately, baby steps suffice. You may not have that difficult conversation right off the bat, but you can begin planning and preparing for the eventual confrontation.

If you feel reluctant to act, dig a little deeper: if you were to begin taking positive action, what would be the worst-case scenario that could result? What or whom might you lose, and why?

The answer to this question may help you pinpoint the core fear. The greater our awareness of the core fear, the less likely we will be to cave under its weight and give into its well-meaning but often unnecessary warnings.

If you know what you want this year and are committed to following through, ask yourself: What conversations do you need to have to ensure success?

As we all know, actually having the conversation is harder than planning to have it. The good news is there are ways to learn how to have those conversations by taking advantage of training tools, such as webinars and workshops.

Be fierce and begin the process of confronting fear by taking an action today, whether it be big or small, towards what you envision.

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Tags: #Creative Block, #Negative Thinking, #Uninspired

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2018 Year End Message: Embrace Changes You Most Need

Fierce — Mon, 31 Dec 2018 08:00:00 +0000

It is a rainy day here in Seattle, and I am next to my fireplace with a warm cup of coffee grateful to be sitting in the precious space between a year passing and a year to come.

There is so much to celebrate in 2018. I admire our amazing fierce team, they woke up every day devoted to helping others talk about what matters. I admire our courageous facilitators and clients who embraced change, who didn’t settle for status quo, and who helped their people and teams have the conversations they needed to have. I admire our international partners who continued to build their businesses in areas of both economic prosperity and instability, even amidst conflict and war, with our collective goal of creating a common language across continents. It is humbling work. Work that I consider a profound privilege and a serious responsibility.

From the depth of my heart, I look forward to the year ahead. Sharing more with you as a community—engaging with you and learning from you.

As we start on this new path, I will always lead with positivity. Not blind optimism, rather realistic optimism. I’ll encourage us to believe the future will be positive, all the while, being ready for all potential obstacles. This positive inclination started at an early age. I moved houses, schools, and communities every 18 to 24 months when I was young, I had to choose to thrive…or suffer. I experimented between those two choices often—it wasn’t always pretty. I’ve learned its best to lean towards the positive, to thriving.

I want us all to thrive. That means you. That means your companies, your families, and your communities.

Our mission at Fierce is to transform the conversations central to our clients’ success. Our vision is to better the world–one conversation at a time. I have been with Fierce for nine years and can say with deep conviction that fierce conversations, those real conversations where we come out from behind ourselves, are more relevant now than they were when I first started at Fierce.

And we have our work cut out for us. We are struggling as nations, as companies, as leaders, as families to navigate change and solve some of our biggest problems. Worse, we’ve elected people globally who lead with fear–whether it be a fear of change, fear of others, or fear of differing perspectives.

Collectively, we look to the wrong places to feel more alive–changes to the cars we drive, where we live, where we work, and what possessions we buy–rather than connecting more deeply with one another.

There are real obstacles ahead. We are often so busy trying to find something or someone to blame, that we miss talking about what really matters altogether. We talk around the issues and problems, and not directly as we should.

After thousands of hours of conversations this past year with our team, our community, and with myself, for us to truly thrive in 2019, it is necessary for us to let go of beliefs that aren’t working and embrace a very important belief about our own happiness as individuals.

It all starts with letting go of beliefs that aren’t working for you. Letting go is hard to do. It is hard with physical possessions, and even harder with that which we can’t see.

Imagine you are moving to a new home, and you only have one small box that you can use to carry your most prized items from one home to another. Years go by, and it is time to move again. You have accumulated more prized items, and yet, there isn’t enough space in that same box if you keep everything from a few years ago. You must make choices about what to carry with you in the next chapter.

The same applies to your beliefs. Beliefs run our lives. They are behind the curtain, we don’t even notice them. When did you last pause and reflect on your beliefs?

Start by looking at an area of your life where you are not happy with the results. Perhaps an area you want to see change in 2019. Interrogate reality and evaluate which beliefs are working and which are not. Let the old, ineffective beliefs go.

When you let go, you make room for new beliefs. Here is one that I believe is vital for all our future success: Happiness is an inside job. In other words, you are the only one responsible for your happiness–not your husband or wife, your mother or father, your boss, or your priest or rabbi. It starts and ends with you. That is a BIG deal, and the moment you step into that responsibility, the more control you have.

We are bombarded by false offerings of happiness. And yet, deep down we feel most alive and are most happy when we forge rewarding relationships with one another and have the conversations that matter.

And the most important conversation is with yourself.

I love the quote from author, Howard Thurman, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Do you know what makes you come most alive? Have that conversation with yourself. Inside is where you must start.

I want to leave you with an excerpt from one of my favorite books I read in 2018, Martin Marten by Brian Doyle.

People are stories, aren’t they? And their stories keep changing and opening and closing and braiding and weaving and stitching and slamming to a halt and finding new doors and windows through which to tell themselves, isn’t that so? Isn’t that what happens to you all the time?

It used to be when you were little that other people told you stories about yourself, and where you came from, but then you began to tell your own story, and you find that your story keeps changing in thrilling and painful ways, and it’s never in one place. Maybe each of us is a sort of village, with lots of different beings living together under one head of hair, around the river of your pulse, the crossroads of who you were and who you wish to be.

Embrace the changes that you most need–especially the inside ones–and make room for what you need most in the year to come.

Write your story in 2019, one conversation at a time. Make it fierce.

Fiercely yours,

Stacey

P.S. – If you want to learn more about what we see coming in 2019, check out our latest workplace predictions.

Tags: #Miscommunication, #Negative Thinking, #Rigid Thinking, #Uninspired

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Giving Thanks: 4 Ways to Start Sharing More Gratitude At Work

Fierce — Wed, 21 Nov 2018 08:00:00 +0000

As I sit down to Thanksgiving dinner with my family this year, I’m prepared for the conversation. A conversation that is the same and yet different with each passing year.

A conversation turned tradition in our home, a conversation where everyone is expected to participate, and a conversation that allows us to check-in with ourselves and one another.

This conversation – our tradition – always starts with the same question:

What are you most thankful for?

A simple question, yes, and a very powerful one for the connection that it fosters. Openly sharing love, gratitude, and recognition with the people who are most important in your life in of itself is a deeply personal and, at times, vulnerable experience.

To truly answer this question, personal reflection is a hard requirement.

When asked, you must first look back and ask yourself:

How have you personally grown over the course of the last year?
How does that growth compare to that of previous years?
Who helped you achieve that growth? Do they know it?
What did those individuals specifically do that helped you?

Looking back, I picture myself, a young girl at the table in my booster seat. At that age, my answer would have likely centered around my Barbies, the cranberry sauce, my cat…Naturally, all of things that made my world so sweet and fun.

In the years that followed, my reply of course would mature to focus more so on the people in my life – their impact and the memories we would create with one another.

So, as my family goes around the dinner table this year and openly shares our own thoughtful introspection, everyone gains a greater appreciation for one another – not just for the kind sentiments shared, but also for seeing how each of us have personally developed year over year.

Preparing for the conversation this year, I find myself not only thinking about the family members sitting down with me at the table, but also the dedicated team members whom I collaborate with each and every day at Fierce.

Bringing Family Tradition To The Workplace

This year has been more demanding than ever at work and, similar to the family tradition I shared above, I truly have learned the importance of creating space with team members at work to share specific appreciation and sentiments.

One of my favorite exercises is gathering a small group of individuals together, and focusing on one person at a time. One person is chosen, and the others go around the circle and share one specific thing that he/she appreciates about the person. The person receiving the appreciation is only allowed to say “thank you”…and receive that praise. Time and time again, I see relationships deepen in that space. It often brings me to a teary-eyed state, because I am so honored to be in the presence of these amazing people and to have the privilege of sharing in the journey together.

I have learned that we all need those moments — me especially. As leaders, we need to focus on the positive, and the impact and create moments with profound appreciation. This fuel is needed when tackling the tough challenges and taking on new and demanding endeavors. I’ve learned it is my responsibility to share and be vulnerable. And most importantly, create that space for it to happen.

Now, imagine if you were to ask a member of your team: What are you most thankful for?

Imagine how much you would learn about this person by simply asking this one question.

The Thanksgiving holiday in particular provides a great platform for leadership to spread warmth and thanks to colleagues in a way that can both strengthen your workplace culture and nurture the relationships that are essential to collective success.

Below are four ways to help you and your team to have this dialogue at work:

1. Take time out to connect.

The end of the year can be a hectic one filled with deadlines and quotas. The idea of taking time out of people’s already jam-packed schedules during the day might seem daunting, however, the break can actually rejuvenate a team’s spirit and make this last push more enjoyable.

Take your team out to lunch or throw a holiday potluck — kick back and make a point to enjoy each other’s company. This will remind your team that you realize they are working hard and you value what they do.

2. Take the lead.

While out at that same lunch or during that holiday potluck, lead by example. Share and recognize how you’ve grown in the last year and how your team’s efforts (remember, get specific!) have impacted that growth.

This recognition goes a long way and the numbers don’t lie. Combined data from Gallup and Globalforce shows 69% of employees say they would work harder if they felt efforts were better recognized and that 78% of employees said being recognized motivates them in their job.

3. Write it down.

Can’t find the time to connect with your team in-person? There isn’t anything quite like receiving a handwritten note. Now is a perfect time as any to put pen to paper with what you really want to say.

The time it takes to pick out the card, write the message, and even the physical act of handing it to your recipient shows you value and care about them.

In the busy bustle of day-to-day life, sometimes we just give a generic thank you. The problem? It can become routine and lose its impact. Make your thank you more meaningful by explaining how the person’s action made your day that much easier or better.

When you say ‘thank you,’ also communicate why someone’s kind words or actions really made an impact. Be specific. Paint the picture. You may be surprised by how much those who helped you enjoy hearing the effects they had. No thank you is too small, so share away!

4. Don’t get distracted.

The mentality toward the end of the year can be to keep your head down and finish strong. While it’s important to not lose sight of your team’s deliverables — their hard work is always worth mentioning.

If you have regular meetings with your employees, take time to verbalize why your thankful for them. Better yet, before the meeting, spend a little time and look at the projects they’ve been working on so you can bring specific examples of ways they’ve impressed you this year.

If you don’t typically have these one-on-one meetings, ask if you can schedule one with your employees and use the time to boost their holiday spirit.

Holiday Tradition Or Daily Routine?

While the holidays call for extra special attention to the importance of appreciation, why not practice gratitude throughout the course year? I’m talking 24 / 7, seven days a week.

At the office, expressing thanks shouldn’t just happen in the months of November and December. Make it a daily practice within your organization by making it a part of every meeting — be it a one-on-one, smaller work gatherings, or larger office meetings. Start each of these meetings by first expressing your appreciation — it could be as simple as a thank you for showing up, or a shout out to an employee going above and beyond.

Tags: #Demoralization, #Negative Thinking, #Uninspired

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Growth vs. Fixed Mindset: How Your Beliefs Impact You, Your Team, and Your Organization

Fierce — Wed, 22 Aug 2018 07:00:00 +0000

My interest in growth and learning led me to the book “Mindset” by Carol Dweck. It has opened my eyes to the ways in which we as humans tend to limit our own potential, both individually and in our organizations.

The concept of a fixed versus growth mindset is simple, yet the implications are massive.

According to Dweck, how you approach learning, and more specifically, how you approach yourself and others when it comes to growth, has the potential to drastically alter the direction and trajectory of your life and the lives of those around you. How you address challenges, how you cope with set-backs, and whether you begin to scratch the surface of your potential all hinges on your beliefs about growth and intelligence.

A fixed mindset is the belief that you have a fixed amount of intelligence and your skills and abilities cannot be developed. Granted, we all have natural limitations, but it assumes that our character, intelligence, and creative ability are unchangeable, and success is somehow the affirmation of that inherent intelligence.

If your mindset is fixed, you may have thoughts such as…

“I’m just not good with numbers…”

“I’m not a natural athlete…”

“I’m not a people person…”

With a fixed mindset, striving for success and avoiding failure at all costs becoming a way of maintaining the sense of being smart or skilled. Regardless of the amount of practice and effort you put in, you believe that your growth and development is limited.

A growth mindset, alternatively, is about believing you can develop your abilities, intelligence, or skills. It thrives on challenge and sees failure not as evidence of unintelligence but as a heartening springboard for growth and for stretching our existing abilities. The growth mindset creates a passion for learning rather than a hunger for approval. Thoughts look like…

“If I practice these equations, I can master them.”

“If I focus on improving, I can become a great athlete.”

“I can put myself out there and learn to work a room.”

If you have this mindset, you know that with intentional and focused practice, you can achieve a level of expertise in most anything you put your mind to. While not everyone can become an Einstein or Beethoven, a person’s full potential is rarely tapped into.

These two mindsets, which we tend to manifest from a very early age, determine a great deal of our behavior, our relationship with success and failure in both professional and personal contexts, and ultimately our capacity for happiness.

The major factor in whether people achieve expertise is not some fixed trait or prior ability, but rather, it’s purposeful engagement: where we place our focus and effort. It’s not always the people who start out the smartest that end up the smartest.

These different mindsets show up in our lives in different ways. Let’s look at a couple of different areas of life they impact and explore which mindset you may have in each of these areas.

Fear of Failure

I was recently on a call with a Fierce client, joined by my colleague Jaime Navarro, VP of Global and Channel Partners. During the call, she quickly built rapport with the client and helped them overcome their concerns in a way that if I had been leading the call, I don’t feel like I would have been able to do so skillfully. I thought wow, I’ve been doing this for two and a half years and I don’t lead calls this effectively. It would be natural to feel discouraged, but the truth is that I can learn from this experience. I had a choice in that moment to choose the path of growth or stay stuck in a fixed mindset and question my own self-worth.

It’s human to be impacted by failure and to fall into the trap of negative self-talk. The important part is to be aware of it. When you enter into the fixed mindset, your constant objective is to prove that you’re smart or talented. Any failure is unacceptable, and it’s humiliating and debilitating. Your goal is never about growth because you believe that’s not possible, so your goal becomes to validate and prove yourself.

The fixed mindset has even changed what failure means. To people living out of the fixed mindset, failure has been transformed from an action or event (I failed) to an identity (I’m a failure).

People with the growth mindset, however, seem to have a special talent for converting life’s setbacks into future successes. When you adopt the growth mindset and you truly believe that your traits and skills can be improved on and developed, you’ll start to have a great passion for learning.

Ask yourself:

How do I cope with set-backs and failure?

How do I cope with the set-backs or failures of others?

What kind of self-talk do you turn to?

When people believe their basic qualities can be developed, failure may still hurt, but failures don’t define them in a permanent way. If abilities can be expanded—if change and growth are possible—then there are still many paths to success.

Effort and Challenges

As I mentioned earlier, the major factor in whether people achieve expertise is not some fixed trait or prior ability, but rather, it’s purposeful engagement.

When you enter into the fixed mindset, you believe that effort is a bad thing. If you have to push yourself and exert any level of effort, it must mean that you don’t have a very high level of intelligence or talent. Effort, in this mentality, is for people with deficiencies. Risk and effort are seen as potential giveaways of their inadequacies, revealing that they come up short in some way.

The fixed mindset is about avoiding effort and risk at all costs…the growth mindset is about moving toward concerted effort and challenges with the goal of development.

People with the growth mindset believe that even geniuses have to work hard for their achievements. And what’s so heroic, they would say, about having a gift? This mindset believes that you need to work your hardest at the things you love the most. Achieving a level of mastery is not only possible, but a certainty through continued, consistent practice and effort.

Question to consider:

Are there areas in your life where you avoid being challenged?

Do you believe that if you put in effort, it says something negative about your intelligence or who you are?

Do you believe that the people are you can’t change or grow? Do you believe that how they are is how they will always be?

The Organizational Implications

Research into Enron following the scandal revealed exactly how a fixed mindset contributed to their downfall:

Leaders in the organization had a fixed mindset, and they were revered for their “innate” intellect and ability.
Everyone was deathly afraid of failure. It was a final evaluation of your competence and worth to the organization.
A toxic culture was created while leaders were hungry to get ahead by pulling others down. It was a constant battle to prove superiority over your peers and deliver great personal results even at the expense of the organization.
Ultimately, people were failing and too afraid to show it. It was covered up and all boiled over when the company was finally exposed.

Leaders with the fixed mindset carry over their beliefs to the people they lead. They believe that some people are inherently smart, talented or successful, and others are simply C-players that will never develop and never succeed. They believe there’s not much, if any, influence they can have over that person’s growth or development…so why bother? It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

People in a growth mindset don’t just seek challenge, they thrive on it. The bigger the challenge, the more they stretch. When you change the definition, significance, and impact of failure, it changes the deepest meaning of effort.

Great leaders believe in the growth mindset, they believe in the growth of intellect and talent, and they’re fascinated with the process of learning. Great leaders create an environment of trust where it’s clearly communication to their people, “I’m going to teach you, and I’m not going to judge your talent.” They believe people can reach a higher potential.

So, what’s really at stake for organizations?

Here’s what you can expect when leaders have a fixed mindset:

A lack of innovation and accountability
A lack of vulnerability, trust, and honesty
People don’t seek new challenges and growth suffers
Effort is seen as a bad thing, which creates a lack of productivity
Political maneuvering, proving superiority, and seeking validation
A toxic work culture
Personal results come at the expense of organizational results

When this mindset infiltrates a company, the consequences are clear. It’s critical for the health of the culture, the people within it, and the organization to find a solution.

Aligning with Fierce

The content in Fierce programs address and help shift participants from a fixed to a growth mindset.

Foundations, for example, shows you how to provoke learning, tackle touch challenges, strengthen relationships, and shift the context filter that you have for yourself and others.

Another program that addresses this issue directly is Feedback. Those with a fixed mindset are only interested in hearing feedback that reflect directly on their current abilities, but they tune out information that could help them learn and improve. They even showed no interest in hearing the right answer when they had gotten a question wrong, because they had already filed it away in the failure category.

In Fierce Feedback, you develop a growth mindset by shifting your beliefs about feedback and learning how to give and receive feedback in a way that enriches relationships. You become attentive to information that could help them expand their existing knowledge and skill, regardless of whether they’d gotten the question right or wrong—in other words, their priority was learning, not the binary trap of success and failure.

Organizations need to collectively move away from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. You can begin making changes by having a conversation with yourself, and then with your team.

In what ways do you personally hold a fixed mindset, and how can you shift towards growth instead?

Are there any policies or behaviors within your organization that promote a fixed mindset? If so, how can you and your team work together to change it?

Read about our programs if you’re curious to know more and want to shift your organization from fixed to growth.

Tags: #Creative Block, #Negative Thinking, #Uninspired

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6 Ways to Integrate Play Into the Workplace

Fierce — Fri, 03 Nov 2017 07:00:00 +0000

This week’s Friday resource comes from Inc. and offers 6 ways to incorporate play into the workplace.

In the workplace, play has long been regarded as the opposite of work. Instead of placing them on opposite ends of the spectrum, what if we combined them? What if we could get work results from prioritizing play?

Work that involves play allows employees to engage creatively, empathize, and experiment.

There are a number of ways to play, some of which can be integrated into not only the workplace, but also the work itself. Per Brendan Boyle, IDEO partner and Inc. contributor, here are types of play that employees and companies can introduce and reap the benefits.

1. Cooperative Play
Games spark healthy competition while also inspiring teamwork, camaraderie and fun. The same is true for a well-run brainstorm. And we all know that with better ideas, the entire team wins.

2. Risk-Taking Play
Kids are used to not winning the first time they try playing a game, so it doesn’t stop them from getting back on the field. Recovering after a loss allows you to learn faster and get closer to a win than if you never tried at all.

Read the full article here.

Tags: #Job Stress, #Negative Thinking, #Unproductive Employees, #Work Relationships

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5 Ways to Embrace Change at Work and in Life

Fierce — Fri, 13 Oct 2017 07:00:00 +0000

This week’s Friday resource comes from Inc. and offers 5 ways to welcome change when it arises in the workplace and in our personal lives.

Avoiding the unavoidable is a fight we can’t win. Change is unavoidable—and continual. The antidote for the negative feelings we have when change arises is to embrace it.
What we are able to see when we give up the fight is that most changes are positive in the long run, and they have a purpose that can serve our personal growth and the growth of organizations. Changes often occur as a means of improvement and as the result of something “not working.”

Per Rhett Power, Head Coach and Inc. contributor, here are some ways to let go of resistance to change:

1. Change is Inevitable and Embracing Change Encourages Development

“Because we repel change, we sometimes go through life without ever living up to our full potential or allowing ourselves to express who we really are. Change is an inevitable part of life and no matter how happy we are with how things are currently, life will always change.”

2. Analyze Your Life and Find the Negative

“Sometimes we change because we are attempting to rid negative habits or people from our lives. The sooner you become aware that change is going to happen and become open to accepting it in your life sooner, the better off you will be. Be diligent in the way you analyze your life. What are the positives and more importantly, what are the negatives? Are there things that you recognize as non-beneficial but you feel stuck in those actions?”

3. Make Change While You Can, Before Change Makes You

“It is better to initiate changes ourselves using free will than to let our life progress down a negative path until change affects us in a dramatic way. When you are consciously aware of change, it is much easier. Explore the world and the endless possibilities available to you. Find new opportunities, be brave and face fear. The world isn’t as scary as you might think and there are lots of things out there that are potentially life enhancing but you have to explore them.”

4. Everyone Has Doubt, Fear and Uncertainty

“Everyone has fears and insecurities that stop us from doing this. This doubt and uncertainty is normal and you can never overcome it. All that you can do is learn to embrace it. There will never be a time where you are complete absent of these thoughts and emotions, you will just learn to act anyway, regardless of whether they are there.”

Read the last tip and the rest of the article here.

Tags: #Cultural Change, #Job Stress, #Negative Thinking, #Rigid Thinking

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How to Be Fierce in 3 Challenging Work Conversations

Fierce — Wed, 28 Jun 2017 07:00:00 +0000

We all need to have them at some point. Those pesky, dreaded conversations. You know, the ones that can be awkward or uncomfortable or come with a crazy mix of emotions.

When these unwelcome, challenging situations enter your life, your first instinct may be to run away, either physically or mentally. Once you think about the impracticality of escaping, you may minimize the issue – oh it isn’t that bad. Or I’ll just see if it happens again. Or I just will deal with this on my own.

While this is a reality for many of us, I contend that those conversations you want to run from are the very ones you need to have. Why?

Well firstly, you spend the majority of your time with the people at work, so from a practical perspective, you can only avoid these conversations so much. Secondly, HR Magazine reported that in a survey of 4,000 employees, 46 percent said they routinely received confusing or unclear directions, with 36 percent of these employees reporting it happening up to three times each day. So, the directions or cues that you are receiving are likely murky at times and need clarification. Lastly, being effective in difficult conversations takes skill and practice. You will improve if you focus on them.

Let’s start by breaking down three workplace conversations that can be particularly difficult.

Conversation #1: Your close colleague is late on delivering her part of your important project.

Peer relationships can be so rewarding when they develop into friendships and special connections at work. On the flip side, they can be troublesome when a person takes advantage of your connection or assumes that she can have more slack from you because you are friends. Sometimes you can create an exception. Other times, you just can’t.

I once worked with a close colleague who was always micromanaging projects and people, including me. Items were always delivered on time, which I loved, but the approach was off. Many people delivered out of complete fear of being reprimanded – in return, our relationship was continually damaged. A work environment where fear is driving behavior is not a healthy environment. I share this example because it is crucial to share your intention with your colleague. Your intention is to complete the project on time, without stress. Things don’t always go as planned, and yet, you need to articulate how your colleague’s actions affect you and the bigger picture.

At Fierce, we call your impact your emotional wake. After any interaction, you are either leaving behind an afterglow, an aftermath, or an aftertaste. Which one do you want to leave behind? Be mindful of your emotional wake and how you describe the issue. Talk about your feelings, not the other person’s character or other components that can derail your intention. Once you share what you need to, ask questions and be curious to understand how you can best avoid this situation in the future.

Being delayed on a project can be stressful for everyone, and having a conversation is a critical part in preventing making stories up in your head or destroying a friendship that may go far beyond the workplace.

Conversation #2: Your colleague gives you critical feedback you don’t agree with.

This one is tough. There are people in your personal and professional life that you may not want critical feedback from. Or sometimes your inclination to something they share may be – is the pot calling the kettle black? Didn’t you do the same thing last week?

Well, that isn’t productive.

Be open to the possibility that there is a nugget of truth or insight that you can use to your professional advantage. We define fierce feedback as a conversation in which you have the opportunity to see what you may not see. Look past your initial reaction and think bigger picture. Ask questions.

You don’t always have to agree with the feedback that you receive. And you set the tone of your relationship by what you are willing and not willing to hear. If you are caught very off guard by the comment, share that with your colleague and express how you are reconciling that.

There are times when people are not well-intentioned. However, it is important to remember that someone sharing critical feedback with you is extremely difficult for both parties. Reminding yourself of these two realities can help ground you. And ultimately, you are the one who gets to decide what you do with any feedback you receive.

Conversation #3: Your direct report has a consistently negative attitude.

As a leader, you want everyone on your team to be happy, positive, and productive. And then the wide-eyed, bushy-tailed employee turns into Oscar the Grouch. Let’s assume that if you noticed this employee in a funk, you gave him feedback on the negative attitude and its impact on the team and your workplace. And then nothing changed.

This is a beyond frustrating situation that leaves many leaders making up stories about the person that may not be true. This is not good for the leader or the employee. When you have reached a point where an attitude needs to change, you need to explore the attitude with this person.

To be fierce, when something needs to change, use our confrontation tools. For this conversation, you need to clearly and directly open the conversation by laying out the issue and how their attitude is affecting you and others on the team. It is critical that you describe what’s at stake for the person if nothing changes. For instance, if you continue to have a negative attitude, it will affect the projects and opportunities that are given to you, and eventually, your job could be at stake.

Once you tee up your side, open the conversation to further explore the other person’s side. What is happening that you may not be aware of? What does the world look like in their eyes? Ask questions to gain more insight. Set an action plan together and move forward accordingly.

A Fierce Conversation is one in which we come out from behind ourselves, into the conversation, and make it real. Everyone craves real. So be real. When your instinct may be to shrink and leave the situation, stand tall and be yourself.

Being effective with challenging conversations is like any other skill. The more you practice, the better you will be.

What conversations have your name on them? Go out. Now. Make them fierce.

Want to take it further? Read our previous blog for tips on taking the scare out of your conversations.

What other challenging conversations happen at work? I will share some ways to make them fiercer.

Tags: #Confused Priorities, #Hostile Work Environment, #Miscommunication, #Negative Thinking, #Work Relationships, #Workplace Conflict

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How Your Body Language Impacts Workplace Conversations

Fierce — Wed, 03 May 2017 07:00:00 +0000

“What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Whether you’re giving (or receiving) feedback, confronting a colleague, having a collaborative meeting, or just engaging in casual conversation, your body language matters.

Body language alone can make or break a conversation. According to Psychologist World, human communication is 20% verbal and 80% non-verbal. Body language that doesn’t coincide with the message we intend to send can therefore lead to relationship ruptures, misunderstandings, and unwanted outcomes.

Body language is the primary language of emotion, and how others perceive our emotion influences how our communication lands for them. A study by researchers at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and at New York University and Princeton revealed that body language is an even more accurate determiner of judging emotion than facial expressions. In short, your body language plays a significant role in how successful your conversation is on an emotional level.

Although what we say verbally is important, our nonverbal expression can greatly influence whether our message is communicated effectively.

The outcome of a conversation can vary greatly depending on the type of body language you’re using. Ask yourself: how do I want the other person to feel when I’m speaking to them? What outcome do I hope to achieve from this conversation, and is my body language of reflection of that? If your objective is to strengthen the relationship, then being aware of your body language can help achieve this objective.

Two key words to consider when it comes to your body language are intention and accuracy. Honesty plays a role—the point is not to smile when you feel like frowning or pretend to be relaxed when you’re upset. The point is to let others know how you really feel while keeping your intended outcome or objective in mind.

That said, here are a few body language cues via lifehacker that may be interpreted as “uninviting,” unproductive, or misleading:

• Arms folded across the chest
• Crinkled eyebrows that create a scowl
• Excessive fidgeting
• Slouching
• Not making eye contact
• Appearing “dominant” in posture

To create warmer body language and what will likely be a more connecting conversation, try instead:

• Opening your arms – having an “open” chest
• Relaxing your shoulders
• Making eye contact
• Nodding to show understanding
• Being present/avoiding distractions
• Slightly mirroring the other person’s gestures
• Being at eye level to the other person

During your next conversation, pay close attention to your body language. What are you noticing? How can you be more intentional with your body language to improve the quality of your conversations?

Tags: #Hostile Work Environment, #Inaction, #Lack Of Transparency, #Negative Thinking, #Workplace Conflict

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Decision Tree Model vs. Effective Delegation

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

This week’s Fierce Resource was first published on the Tuesday Consulting website. Decision Tree Model vs. Effective Delegation shares how to use the Fierce Delegation model, a module from the Fierce Conversations training, effectively.

“How do you delegate tasks? Are you completing leaf tasks for your employees and leaving them powerless and frustrated? Do your employees ask you every 5 minutes, “Can we do this?” If so, then you should share this model for “effective delegation” with them and relieve some headaches for you.”

Tags: #Negative Thinking, #Unfair Workload, #Unrealistic Goals

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