The word “coaching” means a lot of different things to different people, but what do you think makes a really good coach? In her newest vlog, Fierce Master Facilitator Beth Wagner reviews the Fierce approach to coaching and shares tips on how you can improve your coaching skills.

November 26th is National Day of Listening, a reminder to actively practice listening and make a conscious effort to learn the stories of our families and communities. In our newest vlog, Fierce Master Facilitator Beth Wagner explores ways you can become a better listener, and not just on National Listening Day!

Raise your hand if you have experienced any change in your life this year. Silly question, I know. We all have experienced far more change than we ever bargained for. And it hasn’t been easy. There are no two ways about it, change is hard, and it’s persistent. And just as we individuals have experienced copious amounts of change in the last year and a half, so have the organizations we work for. Ever heard the saying, “Organizations don’t change, people do?”  The cumulative impact of individual change leads to shifts (large and small) in a business. If people didn’t change, organizations wouldn’t be able to either.

Chief executive of IBM for nearly a decade, Lou Gerstner led one of the most successful business transformations in history. He said the most important lesson he learned from his experience in change and transformation is that “culture is everything.”  He didn’t say the biggest lesson was the change methodology they used or the clarity of decision rights or reporting structure. He said the key was in the “culture.”  Tend to your organization’s culture (the people), and it can significantly impact your change efforts for the better. 

And yet, while most of us know intuitively that a healthy organizational culture is vital to successful change efforts, culture tends to be the first casualty during times of change. We hear things such as “they need to communicate better about this,” or “they aren’t looking out for our best interests,” or “they don’t care about me, they just care about their bottom line.”  The culture becomes fractured into two opposing groups – us versus them. 

According to Daniel Pink in his book “Drive,” When Robert Reich was U.S. Secretary of Labor, and he visited a company to talk with the employees, he would often conduct a “pronoun test” to determine the cultural health of that organization. He found employees who referred to their company in terms of “we” were more engaged than those who referred to the company as “they.”

When your employees buy into what you are doing (i.e., a major change effort), they tend to take more ownership. 

When they are satisfied, they say things like “look at everything we’ve accomplished!” or “We are getting things done!”

When they’re dissatisfied, they disconnect. Employees start to say things such as, “they aren’t communicating with us” or “they need to fix that.”

Reich concluded that an employee who uses “we” feels more integrated, identifies more with the company and takes more ownership. This leads to employees who are more likely to be satisfied, engaged and effective at what they do. There’s a sense of belonging to the organization and a deep understanding of shared culture. 

Bottom Line?  Whether you are a new leader on a team, implementing a new program, instituting your fifth “covid” working arrangement or working on merging two companies, focusing more deliberately on the people and the connections you’re creating with them has a direct impact on the success of the change you’re trying to make.

So how can we as leaders ignite our employees’ deeper connection, cut through the resistance to change and thrive?

Build Trust through Conversation.

When we trust the people who we work with and work for, we want to show up. We want to succeed. Trust in others promotes teamwork, aids in conflict management and fosters creativity during times of uncertainty. There’s a sense of camaraderie – we feel connected, we feel a part of the process. 

Trust comes not just from what you say but how you say it and how you behave after it’s been said. In the longer term, you build trust based on your persistent identity or how you show up with others repeatedly. Trust comes from the quality of the conversations you are having. The more honest and authentic the conversations, the more likely you will have a more trusting relationship. This is applicable both at the organization and the individual level. If the conversation stops, becomes muted or our dialogue consists only of top-down formal messaging with no real exchange, no real conversation, then all the possibilities for the individuals in that relationship, all the possibilities for what those individuals are trying to achieve, become smaller. 

The simplest way to build trust in your conversations is to be here, prepared to be nowhere else.

In other words, really be present. The last time you spoke face-to-face with someone, were you looking at them or were your eyes roaming the room in a sort of perpetual surveillance?  During your last phone conversation or Zoom call, were you genuinely listening, or were you scanning your email or sending an IM?  Being “present” sounds simple, yet during times of change, our mind may be anywhere but “here.”

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give another is the purity of our attention. It takes effort. But when we focus on the here and now, rather than thinking about the agenda for our next meeting or the project plan that needs our approval, our conversations, our relationships and our outcomes are far richer, more meaningful and more productive.

When you are present with the people important to you, in a way that they feel individually seen, valued, heard and recognized, they are more likely to become present and engaged with you – you build trust. 

And although we might think we don’t have the time and energy to be completely present during every single conversation,  we actually don’t have the time and energy not to. When we are not present, we miss each other. We may hear every word and yet still miss the message entirely. And because missed messages often lead to misunderstanding, we’ll need to spend time and energy resolving them later. 

Increasing the quality of the conversations you are having will help you build more trust and more emotional capital with your team, which will have a direct impact on supporting the change(s) you wish to implement.

So, ask yourself – who would benefit from your undivided attention?   

 

 

 

Do you ever notice yourself or your team side-stepping “problem” employees, soft-pedaling critical feedback, or avoiding conversations all together?

Do you walk around with proverbial marks on your forehead from banging it against the wall over and over again, wishing those employees – the people in your work life that literally drive you crazy – would wake up tomorrow morning being new and improved?

Many leaders and companies today admit to suffering from a culture of “nice” where people are afraid to speak openly or confront others’ behavior. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as just wishing these individuals away. (If only it were!) Each day we wake up to the same frustrations with a new dent in the wall and another painful bump on the head.

Toxic employees are a reality in many workplaces, and they come with a heavy price.

Fierce surveyed over a thousand employees and executives in multiple organizations that ranged from healthcare to education, from manufacturing to the financial sector. 

Here are a few highlights of our findings:

78% of employees say that negative attitudes are extremely debilitating to team morale. 

17% of those surveyed say negative attitudes increase stress. 

27% of employees say that negative attitudes decrease productivity.

While it is often easier to avoid or ignore toxicity in your organization, when it starts to impact corporate culture and well-being, it’s time to shift gears.

Let’s acknowledge what’s true: negative environments create workarounds. We tiptoe around the problem. We work hard to avoid the individual who is creating the toxicity. News flash, avoidance does not actually help the situation. In fact, if we were to be honest with ourselves, avoiding the issue only increases our own stress. It also increases our distraction level. And if we stop for a moment to do the math, we quickly realize just how much time is being taken away from getting the real work done. Stress, distraction, and lack of productivity – does this sound like the kind of company culture you want to be a part of? I didn’t think so.

So what can we do?

At Fierce, we have 7 Principles that serve as the cornerstone for how to engage in the most successful conversations to help tackle toxicity. One of them is this:

Take responsibility for your emotional wake

Check yourself – how are you showing up? It might not surprise you that any highly stressed or over-worked individual can begin to behave in ways that are viewed by others as negative. Modeling the same behavior you are looking to change is not contributing to your success. Consider your own impact. Ask yourself, “How do people feel about conversations with me after I leave the room?”

When we are not mindful of our wake, when we’re consumed by our own stress or overwork or disengagement, we can actually become the toxic employee we are trying to avoid. This principle helps us be more mindful of our own behavior – and then take responsibility for it.

So the first step is to check in with ourselves. What’s next? There are two Fierce conversations we need to invite in order to best deal with others who have not taken responsibility for their emotional wake.

Feedback

One of the best ways in which we deal with toxic, negative employees is by giving feedback and learning how to receive feedback in the moment to create awareness.

Feedback is when we name what we’re seeing and experiencing, in order to give the other person an opportunity to better understand themselves…and hopefully grow and change.

Too often, though, especially with toxic employees, we’ve let things go unchecked for a very long time. The negative environment has taken root. And now a different conversation is needed.

Confrontation

As Robert Redford once said, “Knowing something is easy, saying it out loud is the hard part.” Confrontation conversations are NOT easy. In fact, these are often the very conversations we put off, make excuses for, avoid, or tiptoe around. We are THAT uncomfortable with them. And there are legitimate reasons to be scared about having some conversations. Let’s be honest – some people do not react well when confronted, regardless of how eloquent and thoughtful you are. This is reality. However, what is also reality is that the cost of not having the conversation is much greater than the risk of it going badly. These needed conversations have a huge impact on performance. As the saying goes, we get what we tolerate. When we don’t confront behavior, we, our team, our culture continues to suffer.

So, if you feel a conversation is needed, then likely it is. And for those of you worried about the failed conversation, remember this – a careful conversation IS a failed conversation because it merely postpones the conversation that wants and needs to take place.

Some of the best practices that we’ve seen make the biggest impact are when individuals – and cultures – develop their feedback-giving and receiving skills at all levels and when they don’t avoid confrontation, but step into it with courage, skill, and grace. When that happens, a healthy culture is built – one that is conversation-rich.

It’s important to invite feedback or confrontation conversations with the people we view as toxic. You cannot ignore the problem and hope it goes away. I promise you it won’t, and it will continue to erode the culture and well-being of the organization and those who choose to show up every day.

When we have tough conversations, when we practice them to build our capacity and muscle, we can turn toxic employees into engaged team members. We can then create a culture we all want to be a part of.

 

2020 has brought many challenges to leaders around the globe. Over the past year, we’ve had to manage change and overcome resistance – the pandemic, political division, economic inequality, and social injustice.

As the year comes to an end, we’ve gathered the 3 most popular Fierce blogs to help you start the New Year off right:

#3. 3 POWERFUL WAYS TO BE MORE EFFICIENT WHEN WORKING FROM HOME

Aligning your work-from-home routine with your in-office standards is the key to success for virtual workplaces. As you continue to cultivate an efficient work-from-home routine, be sure to check out these tips for staying well-ordered. Read the blog

#2. HERE’S WHY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES LEAD TO THE BEST IDEAS

Creating space for varying viewpoints to thrive opens up a world of possibility. Take a look at these different ways to put this into action in your workplace. Read the blog

#1. 3 EASY STEPS AS A LEADER TO CHALLENGE THE STATUS QUO

As a leader, you’re always adjusting to meet the needs of your stakeholders. For continued success, you must constantly think about how you can adapt and change. Check out these key steps for shaking things up in the best way. Read the blog

“Our work, our relationships, and our lives succeed or fail one conversation at a time. While no single conversation is guaranteed to transform a company, a relationship, or a life, any single conversation can. Speak and listen as if this is the most important conversation you will ever have with this person. It could be. Participate as if it matters. It does.”

― Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time

 

I’ve been in the field of leadership development my entire 20-year career. And while the landscape of leadership learning has changed tremendously in that time (virtual, on-demand, simulations, gaming), the need to measure its impact has not.

I learned very early on that the most difficult part of my job was the moment a leader asked me to “show them the return”. They wanted to know will this program benefit the company. And if so, how? Usually, the first thing running through my head after this interaction was “do you not trust my judgment? Do you not trust my expertise? Why do you need proof? I’ve told you this is the right training – it will work!”

I’m not unlike many other L&D or HR professionals in the sense that measuring training programs can seem confusing, overwhelming, and even downright impossible at times. I mean let’s face it, we aren’t measuring how much shrink is being produced, or the percentage of call volume. We are talking about measuring trust in leadership or building managerial courage. These can seem like impossibly intangible things.

And yet, it doesn’t have to be rocket science. To successfully realize the value of leadership development and training organizations must expand their focus and consider both the Smart + Heart of measurement. ROI, the “smart” part of this equation is critical.

For instance, Jane went through the coaching workshop and is saving more than 4 hours a week because she is no longer in the “advice-giving” business. That’s 208 hours a year of additional capacity for Jane! Based on Jane’s salary, that time is equal to $7,000 annually. That is a significant result. So yes, ROI is one piece of the evaluation puzzle.

The other piece, in addition to ROI, is what we call the “heart” or for our purposes today, the ROE (Return on Expectations) This includes compelling stories and anecdotes when the numbers don’t explain the results as well as we’d like.

To take the previous example further “Retention has been an issue on Jane’s team in the past. In the months following the coaching workshop, retention has improved by nearly 33%. When her team was asked what they enjoy about their relationship with their manager, 75% mentioned the newly instituted coaching conversations and they feel their opinions matter and their job expectations are clearer.”

When faced with the challenges of measuring behavior change, ROE is a major idea being explored in today’s world of business. While ROI is still acknowledged as crucial, as Kirkpatrick says, “ROE is now being appreciated for what it is; a relevant, focused, big picture look at results”.

Understanding the ROE of L&D

ROE is not limited to just the monetary numbers. ROE encompasses much more. It can be measured in simpler terms and can even measure intangibles such as employee morale or loyalty.”

Is ROI a sound financial measure? Absolutely. Is it the ONLY measure? No. Consider this, what is the cost to our organizations/our teams when we focus so heavily on a pre-determined formula and exclude the big picture? It’s like implementing cost-cutting measures without considering the impact on employee productivity or customer experience. It’s a very narrow view that could be limiting your returns. In addition to ROI, the smarts of measurement, we need to be considering ROE, the heart of measurement.

Measurable ROI and ROE for leadership development rely on one foundational element: Having Skillful Conversations. Leadership development is not an “event”. It’s not a “one-day, two-day, three-day workshop” or “transaction between trainer and participant.”

We can’t go into training thinking “I’m going to deliver this event and then SUDDENLY everyone will change their behavior and we’ll be good.”  Instead, what if you approached training as a development initiative, a continuous conversation to discuss the who, what, where, when, and why of training with leaders, stakeholders, and participants, that begins before the event even takes place and continues long after the event is over?

How to Ensure ROI of Employee Training

Not all of us sit at the level of the strategic conversation. However, all of us play a part in helping our organizations realize better returns on leadership development initiatives. THAT is a conversation we can all add value to. So what can you do to ensure success? I’ll give you 4 tips.

1. Interrogate Reality

Reality is a moving target, which makes it especially challenging to identify clear expectations for leadership development and training. Not only are there differing perspectives of “what is important” based on what functional area you sit in, each person’s individual perspective isn’t necessarily shared by others, even if they are a part of the same conversation. So how can you set clear expectations for training in advance?

As a leader: Have the “What’s in it for me” conversation with your team members who are participating in the training program.

Research has shown us that for sustainable change to occur, insights must be generated from within. Developing a competency or skill just because someone else wants you to do it will never be enough motivation for the change to become lasting. Instead, the more personal the commitment to the learning goals, the more likely the success – If you want to make the learning “stick”, individual ownership is necessary.

As an organization: Before the training is even defined, have the conversations with stakeholders about what skills are required.

A McKinsey & Company report said, “Too many training initiatives we come across rest on the assumption that one size fits all and that the same group of skills or style of leadership is appropriate regardless of strategy, organizational culture or CEO mandate.”

Senior leaders must determine the specific leadership skills and behaviors needed to successfully execute the company’s strategy. Whether your organization is planning a merger, entering new global markets, ramping up sales operations, or creating a flatter corporate structure, it’s important to first think about what skills are needed to successfully execute the initiative.

2. Provoke Learning

As a leader: Provoke your own learning. As a, are you taking an active approach in the learning process, or are you hanging out on the sidelines? If you want to direct an orchestra, you have to learn at least the basics of every kind of instrument. You can’t tell the string musicians how to make a sound you want if you don’t have a firm understanding of how that instrument works. You won’t build trust that way, in fact, you’ll likely get booted off the stage by your own musicians. It’s the same in business. Are you willing to learn the same skills you are asking others to build?

As an organization: Ask yourself, have we created the optimal learning environment? In an inciting HBR article, “Why leadership training fails” when researchers looked at a corporate training program aimed at improving problem solving and communication between managers and subordinates, they discovered that success varied across the company. Improvements were greater in units that had already developed a “psychologically safe” climate in which subordinates felt free to speak up and practice new skills. 

3. Tackle Tough Challenges

As a leader: Focus on the doing rather than the learning.

So often, leaders will follow up on the learning experience with participants by asking “what did you learn?” Being asked the question “what have you learned?” is very difficult for even the individual to answer in an actionable/tangible way. I heard someone say the other day,

“If we consider that learning is a process that we go through to be able to do something new, different or better, shouldn’t we be focusing on measuring the ‘doing’ rather than the ‘learning’?” Brilliant! And YES!!

As a leader you can help support behavior change by actively participating in the doing vs passively asking about the learning. How do you do that? Give Feedback – even when it’s difficult to hear. Building a feedback-rich culture supports behavior change and improved performance.

As an organization: Steer clear of “flavor of the month training”. “Flavor of the month” is what happens when we just keep throwing new training solutions at our perceived skill gaps but nothing sticks – the behaviors never change. Instead of pausing and asking ourselves and the learners, what is happening? Have we missed the real need? What is getting in our way? We just keep finding new training solutions to throw at the problem. The result? There is none. It is the very definition of insanity, keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results.

To avoid the flavor of the month, keep the conversation open by asking questions. Explore this initiative from every angle – How often will you survey participants? How will you gather the data? What will success look like?

4. Enrich Relationships

Often forgotten or overlooked, this is where respect and engagement truly occur as a result of more authentic and transparent conversations.

As a leader:  Reinforce behavior– consistently. Consider this: how important has it been in your career to receive praise/positive feedback on your behavior? A recent Gallup poll found that 65% of US workers receive no praise at all in a given year. A similar survey of 4 million people found that people who received regular praise increased productivity and engagement.  Reinforcing behavior is an essential ingredient to high levels of performance and behavior change.

As an organization: Tie learning to the business and invite the conversation. When it comes to leadership development, it only makes sense that senior leaders and the department responsible for creating and executing training programs come together to determine what is the real skill that is needed for employees to succeed.

To do that successfully you must determine what the need of the business is first. And that requires conversation. Yet so often that conversation doesn’t take place. The lack of real, authentic conversation between L&D and senior leaders is having a direct impact on the value of L&D and the quality of the learning that is produced. I am certain this is not the result that the organization is looking for. If you know a conversation needs to take place, it is you who must invite it.

Bottom line? Skillful conversation is the only way to successfully measure the impact of training on the business and improve the learning culture in your organization. So invite the conversation, with your team, your learners, your leaders, your learning professionals. Consider the benefits when you do.

I’ve been working remotely from my team for the last 7+ years. When this pandemic (and all that came after) began, my team approached me and graciously asked for my perspective for bringing a sense of “normalcy” to remote working so they could make sure they achieved a good work-life balance. 

“You know better than anyone how to navigate this working from home reality, Beth. You do this every day, what can you share? What is a normal day like for you?”

While it makes sense that I would have a relevant perspective on the matter, in my head I was thinking, “Really?  Normal? NONE of this feels normal.” 

It’s not just where we work that has changed. Everything that influences how we show up to work is changing too. We are working remotely during a pandemic while homeschooling our children while fighting for equality while protesting our civil rights while determining the fate of our country, and trying not to lose ourselves or fall apart in the process.  

These times are unprecedented. We are all dealing with far more change than we ever imagined we could, and we are learning as we go.

You’ll see lots of advice out there for how to most effectively work remotely. And while the authors all give really great pointers and tips, it just feels like more change to throw on top of everything else that is already changing. It’s exhausting.

3 Tips to Improve Your Work-Life Balance While Remote Working

So for the sake of us all, and our sanity, I am not going to harp on what you need to do differently (you have enough to think about).  

Instead, I want to remind you of the tools you already have. What behaviors can you pull off the shelf and dust off, not just to survive this current reality, but to intentionally show up in a way that enriches your connection with others?  

1.  Have more and better conversations

I often joke that if quarantine came in a package, it would need a warning label that says (in bold) “conversations sold separately”.  We can’t coast and expect great things. And yet, working remotely is a perfect excuse for shelving real conversation.  

While technology is a great way to make contact with others, more contact is hardly a substitute for the conversations that want and need to take place. And conversation comes best for most of us when we limit distractions. (Not easy in a time when lights, buzzes, dings, and rings rule our lives.) 

It takes hard work and what feels like a deeper and more focused dialogue than ever to keep our relationships with team members, clients, vendors, afloat these days.  

So turn ON your video camera when speaking with others, close down your email inbox, mute your instant messenger, and increase the quality of the time you are spending with each other.  

Talking WITH someone and not at them or through them, can be the difference between simply functioning remotely and actually growing, building, enriching ourselves, our teams, and our work while physically apart from each other.     

2.  Practice empathy

Even if we manage to turn down the volume on all of the distractions, we still need to ensure that our conversations are connecting us at the human level. 

Practicing empathy doesn’t mean you have to set aside your own emotions or feelings, but it does mean you need to make space for the other person to have their emotions too, even if those emotions are different from your own. 

It can be as simple as asking “How are you feeling?” and allowing silence to do the heavy lifting.  Or “How can I support you right now?” 

Sometimes, the most powerful things we can contribute to a conversation are silence and compassion and giving the other person the physical space and time to voice what is going on for them. And really listening.  

3.  Have a conversation with yourself every day

If you must, put it on your calendar, and literally invite yourself to that meeting! Find some quiet time for you to think, reflect, take care of yourself. 

Recognize the vast amount of change that your head and heart are sorting through right now and treat yourself gently. 

Lao Tzu once said, “Silence is a source of great strength.” Don’t believe it? Science actually backs this up. Silence has been shown to improve our health by lowering our blood pressure, boosting our immune system, and even growing new brain cells! 

The only way you will be of service to your team, your family, your customers is to be as whole as you can be. So ask yourself, how am I supporting me?    

That may seem impossible these days and yet, the conversation really does start with you.  How are you prioritizing your health and well-being? 

A friend of mine has permanently taken over her guest room closet for 1 hour each day. She threw a bean bag chair in there, a lava lamp (I kid you not), and posts a sign for her family that states “unless someone is in need of immediate medical attention, this space is off-limits to EVERYone but Mom…see you in an hour.”  

If an hour is too much, start with 10 minutes…work your way up. The important thing is physically carving out time to be with your own thoughts for a dedicated amount of time each and every day.

There is a tremendous amount of change happening to us and around us these days. The one constant is our ability to have and to invite more quality conversations.  

As Robert Frost said, “The best way out is through.” So ask yourself, how can I navigate this new normal through conversation? Deepening the connection with myself and others along the way.

Have you ever had one of those negative “suddenly” moments in your career? A time when you thought you were headed toward one result and instead, you ran head on into something you weren’t expecting?

When I think of these moments, the image I see in my brain  is that of the Wile E. Coyote.Yes,  the Loony Toons character. That darn Coyote is so caught up in what he is chasing (The Roadrunner) that he fails to recognize the brick wall (or enormous cliff, or stick of dynamite) that is destined to stop him dead in his tracks.

His failure only takes seconds to play out and “suddenly” he is flat on the ground, or falling through the air with that look of bewilderment and dread on his face that screams, “What just happened?”

I vividly remember a time when I suddenly found myself asking the same question.

I was poised to move into a new role. I wanted this role so badly I could taste it, and I was sure it had my name written all over it. I had worked my tail off and I was speeding toward that promotion —  it was mine.

When it came time to announce the position, the proverbial brick wall made its appearance, and I ran head-on into it at breakneck speed: the role didn’t go to me, it went to someone else.   (Cue the cartoon crash sounds and the look of shock and awe) “What just happened?”

A trusted mentor gave me some advice at that time,  and told me to reach out to the hiring manager and have a conversation. “Ask her for feedback,” she said. She wanted me to ask her why I didn’t get the role.

Honestly, I didn’t know if I wanted to do that. It would only make matters worse, I told myself.  What if she told me I wasn’t smart enough, or I didn’t have what it takes and never would? I didn’t want to hear that.  Maybe I could skip the feedback, just work harder, and get the role the next time around.

For 48 hours, I tortured myself. Do I ask, don’t I ask? I was afraid of what I might hear.

Have you ever been afraid to have a feedback conversation?  Really think about that for a moment. Did you ever miss an opportunity to give or get feedback from someone because you were too scared about what they might say or how they might react?

According to research, you and I are not alone in our fear.  In fact, it is often fear or uncertainty in some form that prevents us from giving feedback or seeking feedback in the first place.  Did you know that 1 in every 10 people has a significant fear of feedback? 

Those of us who have even a little trepidation around feedback usually fear the failed conversation. We fear being judged or misjudged, not being liked by others, or we have a generalized fear stemming from a past conversation that went poorly.

And while so many of us are afraid of the failed conversation, it’s actually the missing conversations that can be the most costly.

Think back to that feedback conversation you didn’t have. What did that avoidance cost you?   What did it cost your team, your organization?

When we aren’t willing to give and receive feedback with others and instead, we convince ourselves that the conversation will cost us more than what we could gain from it. We are building that brick wall that will eventually stop us from achieving the results we want.

We are no smarter than that darn Coyote.

Interestingly, on the flip side of this common fear of feedback, there is a dichotomous need emerging in the workplace. A need for more of it. According to PwC, nearly 60% of employees surveyed stated that they would like feedback on a daily or weekly basis — a number that increased to 72% for employees under age 30.

So while many of us have some fear of feedback, there’s a call for more consistent, authentic, in-the-moment feedback that can’t be ignored.

3 Tips to Master Feedback

Knowing the high majority of us has an undeniable need for feedback, let’s make sure we are on the same page with what that means. What exactly is FEEDBACK?

If you look at the word itself, in its simplest form feedback is made of two parts, feed and back.  Or as I like to say,  “feed it back.” Show me what it is I am failing to see. Hold up the mirror for me so I can see myself from a different perspective.  Help me see what you see.

Feedback is a way to remove the blind spots from our life so we can reach our desired suddenly…not the undesirable ones. It helps us get where we want to go.

Think of it in terms of driving a car. Blind spots can be dangerous, if not deadly, would you agree?  When we can’t see what is coming at us, or we are blind to what might be in our way, we risk serious injury to ourselves and others.

At the very least, we risk not getting to where we want or need to go. Feedback is course correction — feeding back the information we are missing, or that we are blind to, guiding us to safely reach our goal.

So, what could your world look like if you pushed past the fear and trepidation and embraced more feedback?  How can you MASTER THE COURAGE to invite more of that “feed” back into your life and help others to do the same?

Here are some steps you can take (and encourage for others)  to make frequent feedback conversations a norm in your workplace:

Step 1: Check your context.

Research shows there is a great deal of  power in positivity — positive thinking literally makes your brain work better.

If you are worried about the outcome of a feedback conversation, take a cue from the experts:  instead of focusing on all the things that could go wrong in the conversation, make a list of what the benefits could be if this conversation goes WELL. Go into the conversation with the knowledge that the benefits outweigh the risks.

Specifically…

When asking for Feedback reflect on how you will be made better just by hearing this person’s perspective.  How will this help you achieve your desired results or improve and grow?

If you are giving feedback, first consider how this feedback will be in service of the person you are giving it to – how will this help them?

By focusing on what you or others have to gain, you are not only more likely to want to have the conversation, but your brain will be more open to receiving the message more fully in the moment. 

And if that isn’t enough, get this: it’s also shown that people who practice positive thinking tend to live healthier lifestyles — they get more physical activity, follow a healthier diet, and don’t smoke or drink alcohol in excess.

Having a positive outlook enables you to cope better with stressful situations, which reduces the harmful health effects of stress on your body. Bonus!

Step 2:  Be prepared to listen and learn.

Why is receiving feedback one of the harder things to do?  Because it requires you to be vulnerable.  To stay open to where you aren’t doing things well, can feel like you’re standing on the cliff of failure. And their words may just push you off. It feels risky.

We take feedback personally because it IS personal. When we are given feedback, we were not expecting or may even be embarrassing for us, our ego can prevent us from hearing the feedback or doing something with it in order to make changes

So before entering any feedback conversation, make a commitment to yourself to really listen to what the other person is saying.

Receiving feedback doesn’t mean you have to believe every bit of the feedback you receive.  Instead, receiving feedback means you enter into the conversation and explore the feedback TOGETHER.

So, listen to the specifics in the feedback.  What is the giver trying to convey?  Let them finish their thoughts and work not to get defensive. Ask yourself:  What would happen if I suspended my perception of myself and stayed fiercely present with someone else’s perception? What could I learn?

Step 3:  Say “thank you.”

Greater respect often leads to great results. If you are asking for feedback, look at it this way, by providing you with powerful feedback, the giver is actually taking a partnership role in your success.  They are helping you succeed!

Thinking of feedback this way can remove some of that initial fear — knowing this person is being of service to YOU. And yes, providing feedback can feel like a dangerous and risky thing.

Recognize how difficult it is for anyone who is willing to give you feedback and thank them for having the courage to share it.

On a broader note, research actually shows how a culture of gratitude/appreciation leads to happier, more productive, and more helpful employees:

Francesca Gino, Professor at Harvard, talks about a phenomenon called the “gratitude effect”.  Research done by Gino shows receiving expressions of gratitude makes us feel a heightened sense of self-worth, and THAT in turn triggers other helpful behaviors toward both the person we are helping and other people too.

Bottom line? Giving thanks can actually contribute to a richer, healthier feedback and service-oriented culture. People helping people.

Think about who deserves your gratitude for feedback they shared with you recently. Be sure to say “thank you.”

Finally, it is important to remember, mistakes are a part of the process

I like to remind people that as humans, we are naturally and wonderfully imperfect, and there will be times when your feedback conversations don’t go well. When that happens, it is helpful to practice the following:

Take responsibility for your own emotional wake. If you have unintentionally hurt someone, or misjudged a situation, apologize. There is nothing more powerful in this world than someone saying (and meaning) “I’m sorry.”

Be patient with yourself and others. Consistency doesn’t happen in a day, the feedback muscle takes time to build.  That’s the nature of change. Be aware that overcoming fear and creating a culture of ongoing feedback is going to take time.

At the end of the day, it is feedback that serves as our navigator, getting us where we want and need to be.  So ask yourself, “If there is something I can learn about how I can be more effective  why wouldn’t I want to know? If there is something I can share with others to make them more effective, why would I withhold it?”

Giving and getting feedback and refining what is working and not working is critical for growth and success. Go into the conversation with courage, and be prepared to truly listen and learn.

By the way, I did finally muster up the courage to ask that hiring manager for her feedback. “You are lacking a leadership voice” was the message. I had the skill, I had the work ethic. What I was missing was something I had never considered, my own leadership presence.

Yes, it was hard to hear, and yes, my palms were sweating and my heart was racing the entire time.  AND…it was one of the most valuable conversations I’ve ever had.

The problem – All that noise.

I grew up one of four children, all of whom were born on the same day at approximately the same time. I am a quadruplet.

Now, as cool as that sounds (and it was a blast growing up) if you think about it, I have been competing for “position” in this family since I was in the womb. I had three other people who all wanted to literally get out ahead of me, before we ever took our first breath.

Fast forward to when we were 7, and I was still competing — not for birth order, but for a voice. I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be heard and recognized as an individual, not just one of four.

And boy, did I work for it — I grew into quite the little entertainer. I sang, I put on shows in the living room, anything I could do to stand out and get my voice heard. It worked for a while.

Saying “No” To the Noise

Over the years, it seemed the decibel level in the family just kept increasing. With four growing kids, someone was always trying to get out ahead, have a bigger voice, gain more recognition from Mom and Dad. And with the increased noise in the system, it meant I had to be louder too. (sigh)

It was around the age of 10 that I started to retreat on a regular basis to my bedroom and shut the door.

I remember my Mom asking me, “Are you feeling okay? You are awfully quiet.” She grew concerned. Granted, it was a shift from the “norm” in our family. Quiet was something we didn’t do very well.

Clearly, from my Mom’s reaction, quiet meant something was wrong. In reality, I had just made a simple decision to say “no” to all of the noise. I shut out the need to compete and made space to focus on my own thoughts, process my day, and get to know my inner voice. I made space to breathe!

This need for silence and solitude is something I have held onto into my adulthood and I have brought it into my day-to-day business life. While it is incredibly important to me, I have not found the same value of silence being echoed in the greater business community.

The Damage of Missing Silence in Business

As a culture, we don’t do very well with silence. We are taught to literally “speak up!” — those people that do, actually brought their brains to work. Those who are quiet, must have checked out for the day.

We are taught to keep up with the noise of email, IMs, texts, phone calls — the busier we are the harder we must be working…(it is never ending). Our days are interrupted (frequently) by rings, buzzes, and dings notifying us that someone or something needs our attention NOW.

So what’s the big deal? Isn’t all that noise beneficial, isn’t it helping us get the work done? Not really…

When I was a kid and didn’t get my precious quiet time, I can tell you — I got cranky! I was less productive, more agitated, easier to trigger, and usually got into some sort of trouble. I was louder in a not-so-helpful way. I wasn’t “me”.

Research has proven that I am not alone. It has been determined that too much noise raises cortisol, heart rate, and blood pressure. It can contribute to memory loss and insomnia. It raises our collective anxiety levels. It depletes our creativity, impedes productivity, and hinders good decision-making.

To make matters worse, research also shows that too much “technology noise” (emails, texts, general screen time) can lead to mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety, a decrease in communication skills, and other health ramifications such as insomnia and back, neck and eye strain.

Whether the noise we are dealing with is literal sound or it is coming at us from our laptops or handheld devices, that noise is hurting us! Something needs to change.

So, what would happen if you built more silence into your day? What if you stopped talking long enough to actually hear yourself think? Or turned off the cell phone, shut the laptop, and marinated in your own thoughts for a while?

For some of you, the permission of unplugging for minutes or hours feels like a gift — a mini-vacation from the day. For others, I can almost hear you running away from this blog post. But don’t give up on me just yet.

Consider this: studies have shown that silence can regenerate brain cells. In fact, even a few minutes a day of quiet can help regulate your cortisol, heart rate, and blood pressure.

In addition to your physical well-being, there has been some fascinating research around the importance of silence to learning, to our performance, and even what solitude does for the mind and creativity.

To take it even further, there are plenty of leaders who have talked about the power of “white space” in their own lives/careers. By his own estimate, Warren Buffet has spent 80 percent of his career reading and thinking. He made it a priority to clear his calendar and spend the majority of his time in thought…in a way, you could say silence built the Warren Buffet we know today. Powerful stuff, right?

At this point I have several of you thinking, “Okay, so silence is important. But I have no time for that!”

(Ahh, but can you really afford not to?)

How to build Silence into Your Workday

For those of you wanting to know how you can build silence into your day-to-day, and still keep up the pace that is demanded of you, here are a few tips that may help:

1. Block out time in your calendar to reflect.

It works for Warren Buffet! Our calendars are not just for meetings with other people. I once had a leader say to me “you shouldn’t use your outlook calendar to block out working or thinking time.”

Hog wash! That is precisely how I use my calendar. To organize all of my time, prioritize what needs to get done, and create the space within which to do it. And it works.

This doesn’t mean block off days or weeks on end of “no meetings”. But I am giving you permission to place a 30 minute, 1 hour, 2 hour “HOLD – DO NOT SCHEDULE OVER” block of time in your schedule per week. (My hope is you work this into a daily practice, but we can start small.) Schedule it into your calendar and don’t compromise this time.

2. Enjoy a conversation with yourself.

During that lovely block of time that you have no meetings, sit with your own thoughts (and absolutely no agenda). Meditate, talk a long walk, plan a personal retreat. Journal or “flush your thinking.”

My cousin calls it “cleaning out the basement,” I love that. What are those deep, collective gems of thought that you haven’t allowed to surface? Put them on paper, see where they go. What brilliant idea is waiting to make an appearance?

3. Let silence do the heavy lifting.

Even in the middle of a conversation. You don’t need your schedule to be void of meetings and interactions to leverage silence. What might happen in your meetings or one-on-one conversations if you said less, listened more, and provided time to think about what has — and has not  — been said?

Insight occurs in the space between words. Important conversations require moments of silence during which we can reflect on what someone has said, and consider our responses, before opening our mouths.

This does not mean we adopt the silence of non-participation, of avoiding topics that are uncomfortable. It means that when a question is asked, we give ourselves and others time to reflect and respond.

How do you do this? Practice the 10 second rule  — When you ask for input or ask a question, count to 10 (slowly) before jumping in with your own thoughts and ideas or to answer your own question, giving others time to process.

Take notice of how this feels the first few times you do it  — how strong is your need to continue talking? What is the impact of creating more space/silence in your conversations?

Noise can be deafening and detrimental to our health, our relationships and our productivity. So pay attention to your own behavior. Are you speaking just to hear yourself speak? Are you getting sucked into the addiction of all of that technology?

Where can you leverage more silence in your day, so the next thing out of your mouth (or typed onto the screen) is truly meaningful?