If you’re in Leadership & Development or HR, I can only begin to imagine how many conversations you’ve had (or with individuals on your team) related to complaints about someone else’s behavior.

If that wasn’t bad enough, you then have the additional ache of realizing that those same employees — and potentially your culture as a whole — do not have the needed courage, skill, or even motivation to actually say what needs to be said and to solve the very problem they’re coming to you to fix!

Just so you know: you’re hardly alone!

This is one of the predominant issues we hear from our clients, from L&D/HR folks just like you! And though I could provide you an “answer,” in simply saying, “Hire, Fierce!” I do have a few other thoughts that will provide you some ideas, some respite from the stream of office visits, and most importantly, some results!

Let’s level the playing field to start. All of us,  no matter our years of experience, our area of expertise, our seniority  — or lack thereof  — know that actually talking about what’s going on, naming the problem(s), stepping into conversation IS what is required.

Were we to give a pop quiz and ask everyone, “What is the most important skill you can develop and utilize to strengthen relationships and get things done?” Communicate effectively would be the highest-percentage answer.

Knowing that we should have a difficult conversation is not the problem. Knowing how to have it is  — and then having the courage to actually do it!

Short of training your entire company in the how, here are a few *simple* tactics you can use the next time someone enters your office, your cubicle, or your training room hoping you can solve all their problems:

1. Audit your existing training.

Look at all the training that already exists within your organization, that you’ve already rolled out, that’s implemented and in place. What resources currently exist that people have been exposed to? Leadership development. Basic communication skills. Conflict resolution. Performance management.

Then, let your employees do some self-discovery instead of you being an endless-font of resources. Ask, “What existing training are you aware of that might speak to this issue?” And “What next steps could you take to utilize that training as it relates to this issue?”

We spend a lot — and invest so much — in giving the people in our organizations as many tools as possible to be effective and successful. Somehow, “out of sight, out of mind” reigns and unless we practice what we’ve learned, it slips from our memory and our motivation.

Maximize those investments and refer folks back to all the good work you’ve already done to equip and support them.

2. Connect the dots between communication and training.

Consider ways to intentionally integrate questions into any training you provide (technical, Quality Assurance, new-hire onboarding, anything!) that help learners make connections between the subject matter being taught and the need for communication/conversation related to such.

For example, “Based on what we’re learning today, where, how, and with whom can you engage in conversations that will strengthen adoption?” “If we do not have the ability or willingness to effectively communicate what we’re learning here today, what will the cost be to your team, the organization, and you?” And, “If you could have direct and effective conversations with others about today’s subject matter, what results might you experience? Your team? The organization?”

Though learning how to communicate effectively and having the kinds of conversations that actually get results is critical to a leader’s growth, an organization’s growth, anyone’s growth, we can maximize our focus on such in everything else we train instead of waiting for designated dollars or curriculum.

3. Remember your company’s value.

Pay attention to your well-articulated values, mission statement, and vision. For most organizations, embedded right in the midst of well-crafted words, is a mandate to communicate in proactive and mature ways, to treat others with respect, to choose curiosity, etc.

Again, how do you help them recognize and apply this for themselves? “Which of our corporate values do you feel is at risk given this issue?” “Which aspect of our vision are you struggling to uphold when it comes to this issue?” “What conversations could you have (and with whom) to open up a dialogue about best practices and specific next-steps toward fulfilling this value/vision?”

In all three of these examples, I hope you see (and pluck) some low-hanging fruit. Not surprisingly, my strongest recommendation (and hope on your behalf) is that you can buy the whole orchard, that you can bring in a company that understands your pain, that sees the kinds of issues you are dealing with on a daily basis (and over and over again), that can give your people not just a motivational pitch about “why” communication matters, but the specific, practical, and repeatable “how!”

Oh, the time you’d get back! Oh, the culture you’d shape! And oh, the results you’d drive! But when that isn’t in the cards for you just yet, try these three tips.

At Fierce, we end nearly every one of our workshops with this statement from our founder and CEO, Susan Scott: “While no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a company, a relationship, or a life, any single conversation can.”

One of the biggest misses by organizations large or small is creating AND maintaining a winning talent strategy. Over the past several years, leaders have been utilizing a method you may have heard of or even use yourself: THE “WHOLE PERSON” APPROACH.

The whole person approach is a holistic way of looking at development and training — it takes into account the individual’s vision for themselves in all areas of life and provides the supportive resources they need to help make that vision a reality. The intended result is self-actualization.

This approach is often employed as a talent strategy to improve retention, culture, and profitability. But there’s more to it than simply adopting a holistic mentality or spending a training budget. To be successful, it needs to be backed by action and key conversations.

As I mentioned, many businesses and leaders are already aware of the “whole-person” approach and believe they’re promoting it within their organizations, BUT many are overlooking important factors that determine whether this approach will succeed or fail.

Why This Approach is Different

Daniel Kahneman, Nobel Prize winner and author of Thinking, Fast and Slow, proved through his studies that people act from emotion first, rationality second. We are emotionally-driven creatures, and the “whole-person” approach knows this. Everyone in an organization is coming to the table with emotions, and these emotions are fueling their decisions.

Knowing this and creating systems around it to support it is how you go where you need to go as an organization. Otherwise, your approach won’t change anything in terms of behavior.

Unlike more traditional, one-area-only, or skill-based approaches, developing the “whole person” requires an investment in professional, personal, and skill-related areas in a way that supports mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being.

In addition to providing basic needs, it provides the resources required for an individual to feel empowered in moving toward self-actualization. Just as the external and business environment is shifting, so are the needs of the individuals who are a part of it.

THE WHOLE-PERSON APPROACH also involves being even more focused on the person’s ability to navigate not just in the area of skill development, but also the larger requirement of self-awareness and goals. It also allows individuals to take ownership of their own development, using their emotions as a compass — they are able to determine areas of focus, what they need, and provides the resources to follow through.

In this way, the desire for growth is “self-generated,” which goes a long way in retaining talent.

Here are some elements you can incorporate to succeed in this approach:

1. Learn about the individual.

It’s impossible to support what you don’t know, so it’s important to get to know individuals in your organization on a personal level through conversation. Ask them about their unique interests, goals, and needs, and discuss how their role and the organization can support the vision they have for themselves.

2. Individualized coaching.

Leaders need to both receive and provide emotional support, and approach development as a never-ending journey full of ups and downs. COACHING CONVERSATIONS AND MENTORING PROGRAMS can go a long way in supporting the whole person, and if budget is limited, make sure the resources that are available are customizable for each individual.

3. Training.

Providing strategic and hard skills training is an important part of a holistic approach, and this training needs to be accompanied by feedback so that new behaviors are reinforced and course-corrected. Growth is slowed and stunted when we’re not given regular feedback on ways we can improve.

To Achieve the “Whole-Person” Approach, You Have to Start Talking

On an organizational level, taking a holistic approach is a bit more complex. It requires an in-depth audit of the employee journey. Here are some important questions you need to be asking:

• Where are you currently encouraging the whole person to show up, and where are you falling short?
• If people are wanting to be themselves and develop as a person, what systems, values, and investments are we making to support that?
• What are you doing to strengthen relationships, provoke learning, and support a culture of psychological safety?

With the rising trend of meditation and mindfulness practices, communication skills and training can be misperceived as old school, based on the assumption that if you’re mindful, you don’t need training. The truth is that mindfulness and communication skills go hand in hand.

How we communicate flows into being mindful and having intentionality with how you show up, and conversation skills are what allow you to successfully bring that intentionality into relationships.

Whatever skills you have within the company, you will bring to all areas of life as a husband, wife, parent, friend, or sibling. Not employing training and development around communication is, in fact, a BIG miss.

The old-school notion of having a work self and a separate outside-of-work self is dying. Employees expect to work for a company where they can be authentic — where they feel psychologically safe enough to express their true thoughts and feelings.

There are two primary ways leaders can create this environment within organizations, and both are essential:

1. Communicate that authenticity is valued. 

This is a given, but you’d be surprised at how many organizations fail to communicate “your voice matters” directly to their employees. Leaders need to initiate the conversation about authenticity and clearly communicate its value. When a leader expresses that they want to know your true thoughts and feelings, it can shift an entire culture by making it “safe” to show up as your true self.

2. Model authentic behavior.

If leaders do not know how to get real and show up as their true selves—which includes providing honest FEEDBACK and having a willingness to CONFRONT others when necessary—it will bleed into the company culture. Employees will not feel comfortable sharing their perspectives in an environment where leaders do not practice what they preach.

Taking Steps toward “Wholeness”

The whole person approach doesn’t just need to be woven into an organization’s fabric via leadership training programs — it needs to be integrated into every aspect of an organization, from recruiting to onboarding to processes to employee journey and offboarding.

The bottom line is the more you treat people in a human way and get to know each other on a deeper level, the better your business will run.

Woah, what a year! That’s my initial reaction reflecting on 2019. What a year — in all its blessings and lessons. Based on the thousands of hours of conversations that I have had with our fierce community, you’ve shared similar sentiments with me.

When the Fierce team embarked on our 2019 year, we had a primary focus to listen and engage with our community more than we ever had before. This influenced many different Fierce initiatives, including a listening tour.

The listening tour consisted of 10 in-person, intimate roundtable conversations in cities around North America. (Thank you for all of those who joined me and for the amazing Fierce team who supported them!)

My hope for the tour was threefold: to exchange new ideas, to inform important decisions for the business, and to strengthen our relationships. I concluded the last one in Seattle this past Friday and can say without a doubt that we accomplished all of these goals, and then some.

The biggest takeaway from these conversations? 2019 was a big year for learning, which highlighted the need for even more learning in the years to come. 

Many challenges were shared from the trenches. From doing more work with fewer resources to embracing new technology to navigating the ever-changing external landscape, and so much more.

When I asked what is required to be successful in tackling these challenges, the response became clear: everyone, from the top down, needs to be more open to learning than ever before.

This same sentiment has been true for Fierce. Let me share a few thoughts below on the eve of this new year:

First, Fierce celebrated its 18-year anniversary as a company this past June. We have learned so much as a team and an organization. Developing a deep knowledge of best practice and expertise that we are able to share with the world.

Most importantly, we are learning how to continue to best serve all of our courageous facilitators and clients who embrace change, who help their people and teams have the conversations they need to have.

Second, for me personally, this year concludes my first full year in my role as President of Fierce, and I continue to be so honored to do this work; it is humbling.

I consider what I do a profound privilege and a serious responsibility. I want to thank our amazing Fierce team for waking up every day with the spirit to be on this adventure together and do the hard work it takes.

While there is so much value in reflecting on this past year, it is looking forward that fills me with excitement and energy. This is especially true this year, as there is no better way to start a brand new decade than with a focus on learning.

So as we look into the new decade, you may ask yourself  some version of these questions:

• What do you want to achieve?
• What do you want to keep doing?
• What do you want to stop doing?
• What do you want to start doing?

The first question often has the most standard, tangible responses: Change jobs. Get a promotion. Take on more responsibilities. Buy a new house. Build a new relationship. Achieve a new bodyweight.

But, what if this new decade isn’t about “arriving” somewhere specific as much as it is about evolving and building a better, more authentic version of you and of your life?

And if that is your focus, then the question becomes: Who do I want to be, and what do I need to learn to get there? What would shift if you created a life of learning?

Building a “life of learning” hits home with me both professionally and personally. Professionally, I often share with our employees that we must be focused on getting better every single day – at a specific task, at a specific technique, at what we do to help our clients, and each other, have better conversations.

Whatever it is, if we are learning every single day, I know our desired outcomes will follow. I love that our Fierce team often reminds me of these concepts and supports me through it all.

So, in order for us to get better and try new things, we have to be willing to fail. We have to be willing to take smart risks. This is what I want for our company – and for you.

Personally, building a life of learning highlights one of my favorite quotes from Annie Dillard: “How you spend your day is how you spend your life.”

I know that if I want to have an authentic, contributing, life of learning, I need to be filling my days with authenticity, giving to others, and consistently educating myself.

One of the ways I have focused on this since I was 18 is traveling to at least one new country a year. This has been a deep commitment to myself to learn and explore. Ultimately, there are hundreds of ways to live a life — people eat, sleep, pray, dream differently — and every time I learn more about a different culture, the more I learn about myself.

How to Begin Your Learning Journey

So, how can you start leading a life of learning? Here are questions to ask yourself that will ensure you are headed in the right direction:

1. Challenge yourself to think differently about a situation or person. Where in your life do you want better results? Start there.
2. Build a vision for who you want to be rather than what you want to have or own. How would you want someone important to you to describe you? Begin crafting.
3. Embrace uncomfortable situations. Where can you scare yourself a little? We learn the most when we leave our comfort zones. Just do it.
4. Surround yourself with people who help you learn. Who in your life do you admire? Have a conversation and tell them.
5. Take leaps and being willing to fail. What are you holding on to? Have that conversation with yourself.

At the start of the last decade, December 2010 I was the 7th Fierce employee at the ripe age of 24. I would have never in a million years been able to predict the profound journey I was embarking on.

Every single person has been a mentor to me — whether intentionally or unintentionally. I know that my desire to learn every single day helped form the path behind me — and it will help form the path ahead.

As we move into 2020, I am re-energized to embrace learning like never before, and can’t wait to see where it leads me, and Fierce.

It’s an exciting time and one that I am so proud to be a part of.

Building a life of learning is not for the faint of heart,  so I leave you with a poem from Tyler Knott Gregson:

If I do not follow you

out of this zone of comfort

I’ve lived safely inside,

Push me, pull me, or

throw me from that circle. If my wander loses

its lust, if the soles of my feet

begin to rust, if I forget

the way to adventure,

force it upon me until I

remember; demand a

life five thousand shades

from ordinary. 

My hope for you in this next decade is that you demand a life five thousand shades from ordinary. No more waiting. No more stalling. The time is now.

Ensure you have people who will push you out of your comfort zone. People who have the conversations you most need to have — even when they are hard.

And, in case you need to hear this: your fierce community and I are here ready to join you on this adventure…one fierce conversation at a time.

Whether you’re from the American Midwest, or you know someone from the region, you’ve most likely at some point or another had a conversation about the idea of, “Midwest Nice.”

My parents met at Cleveland State University. My mom grew up smack dab in the middle of Cleveland, while my dad grew up in the burbs one-hour east. In short, most of my gene pool lives in Ohio. And because I have never lived in Ohio, I’m a rare species in the Mason/Engle clan.

This is because I get to look from the outside in, and I’ve developed a keen sense of sniffing out “Midwest Nice” pretty quickly.

It tends to look like the following:

• Always keeping a smile on your face…especially when you disagree with something.
• Sweeping thoughts and conversation under the rug very quickly when a topic is brought up you don’t want to talk about.
• Being a firm believer that, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
• When a controversial statement is made, responding with “well, be nice.”
• Stating your opinion when promoted, but immediately following it up with, “but we can do whatever you want.”

Yep, tell-tale signs of Midwest Nice.

The important thing to note here is that Midwest Nice isn’t the only form of “nice” that shows up throughout the world (and in the workplace) — and they’ve got their own tell-tale signs too.

Our organization, Fierce Conversations, has this special ability to sniff out cultures of nice as well, as these cultures tend to sneak their way into problems our clients come to us to resolve and they don’t even realize it.

As I wrote in the piece, The Dark Side of Niceness: How Honesty is Taking a Backseat in the Workplace, the results of our recent research on the impact niceness has on the workplace confirmed how we would define cultures that are overly nice.

Nearly 63 percent of employees chose not to share a concern or negative feedback at work because they were fearful of being seen as combative and then kept their concerns and feedback to themselves.

Respondents said it’s important to be considered nice because:

1. They find work is more enjoyable when they get along with their colleagues.
2. It makes it easier to get things done.
3. They will get more interesting work/more opportunities if people like working with them.

We all want the above things: enjoyable, easier, and more interesting work – sign me up, please!

Here’s what often gets overlooked: The three reasons above can happen while still sharing concerns and feedback with colleagues – in a productive and relationship-enriching way.

What’s So Bad About Being “Nice”?

You should not keep those to yourself. So, why is it so bad to keep concerns and comments to yourself?

It is not healthy. When you keep negative thoughts or secrets to yourself, there is scientific evidence that stress hormones, such as cortisol, increase, and your health is affected.

“Sleep may be disturbed, which could lead to emotional mood swings and a propensity to be ill-tempered or lose your cool,” Allen Towfigh, MD, a neurologist and sleep medicine specialist at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Cornell Medical Center, recently told Forbes. 

“You may also have difficulty with memory and learning. And the excess release of cortisol will cause a host of other ailments, including possible increase or loss of appetite and disruption of metabolism,” he said.

If it goes even further to keep a secret, Art Markman shares, “The stress caused by secrets arises because people think about the information they are keeping secret often — even when they are not around the person they are hiding the information from. These thoughts cause stress and make people feel as though they are not acting authentically.

”It creates a dump truck effect. During a Fierce training about Confront we recount a personal story about a woman, Sara, who shares that her boss bothers her over and over and over again.

Then, one Wednesday afternoon, her boss does one small thing, and Sara unloads the entire dump truck of her frustrations. Months of examples and all the emotions that go along with them.

I shouldn’t have to say this: That’s not effective.

It is not authentic. We can all sniff fake from a mile away. When someone is not disclosing something to you, you sense it. Misalignment with personal values is often cited as a big reason for career change and shifts. 

If you are a leader, you want your organization, team, and employees to be healthy, to address issues as they come, and to be authentic and dedicated. Ultimately, these results in top and bottom line health, productivity, and happiness.

Signs of a “Culture of Nice”

So, how do you know when you are part of a “Culture of Nice”?

The top signs we’ve seen from Fierce clients are:

1. Conversations, negative or positive, are absent.
2. You can’t remember the last time someone at your workplace said something that was hard for you to hear.
3. Mistakes are handled in inconsistent ways or just not handled at all.
4. Relationships in the organization are built in various ways that may not be conducive to being authentic and real with one another.
5. Expectations are shifted or changed based on various factors, rather than grounded in reality and moving the business forward.

Another major way leaders can determine if their organization is fostering a “Culture of Nice” is by understanding the ways this niceness culture shows up. 

Below, you can find the most common cultures of nice and what they tend to look like at organizations:

Three Types of “Cultures of Nice

1. Only Smiles Can Live Here.

A culture where there is legislated optimism. The expectation is that each employee keeps the atmosphere positive, and therefore, employees associate bringing up concerns or addressing issues head-on as negative and going against the status quo.Ways to tell:

• Most meetings including head nods and smiles.
• It’s frowned upon to bring a concern to an individual in either a group or individual setting.
• When someone makes a mistake, it is often greeted with positive reinforcement or not at all – instead of accountability.
• Relationships are built on others supporting one another and reinforcing how everyone is doing the best they can – often at the cost of not challenging one another.

2. Respect with a Capital R AKA “Don’t Question Me.”

A culture where employees associate respect with agreeing with each other on the surface. This culture of nice does not encourage sharing concerns with individuals who may potentially have shortsighted or disconnected ideas or strategies because it is considered disrespectful to do so. Ways to tell:

• It’s not encouraged to have competing views at meetings, and rather, it’s expected to support the meeting leaders.
• Before meetings, other meetings occur to make sure that certain people will be supporting and respecting what is discussed during the meeting.
• Autonomy in decision-making is important, however, decisions are often made by a small few.
• Relationships are built on who you know and how much you support the brilliance of the people with authority and decision-making power.

3. Passive-Aggressive Party of Many 

A culture where an undercurrent exists. Everything seems positive on the surface, however, there are tensions that show through. On the outside, the culture seems to be positive, however, when you dig deeper, you realize the “audio” doesn’t match the “video.”Ways to tell:

• Meetings often have one or two people active in the conversations, while the others are disengaged – checking their phones and emails or staring into outer space.
• People share positive experiences and seem happy, however, engagement scores or other metrics share a different story.
• Relationships are built on coalitions and agreements on what, who, and how to support certain people and items over others. Cliques live here.

Now, I want to take a second to highlight that I’m not saying niceness is a bad thing in the workplace because it absolutely is not.

That said, we must reframe what nice is at the office. It’s not about beating around a topic. It is not about pandering to a few. It is not about keeping your feelings and thoughts to yourself and potentially lashing out after. It is not about faking a smile out of fear of retaliation.

I have stepped into each of these cultures while doing our Fierce work. I have stepped into these cultures while stepping into family’s and friends’ homes as well.

In order to combat “nice” cultures, it takes time. This does not change overnight. However, once you start paying attention to the signs, you know where the work needs to take place.

I want to hear from you. Do you believe you are part of a “Culture of Nice”? Let us know by clicking on the chat icon to the right. I’m looking forward to hearing your story.

I do a LOT of listening in my job. Every day I have the pleasure of interacting with leaders from all around the globe.

What has piqued my curiosity, as of late, is a word that I am hearing more and more often in my conversations with leaders when they are describing the current state of their organizational culture.

That word is “nice.”

Specifically, I am hearing things such as, “I think my business is too nice,” and “Everyone is always pleasant to each other, yet something doesn’t feel right. There is a lot of tension in the air.”

All of this talk about being nice has me thinking, could being nice actually be doing more harm than good?

To really understand this concept of nice, we need to travel back in time…

If you have siblings, you are probably familiar with the phrase, “Be nice to your brother/sister!” If you were an only child, perhaps you heard, “Play nice with the other kids.” Being nice to others was a common childhood lesson, right?

I have a memory from when I was about 10 or 11 years old. I was very angry with my sister for not returning my favorite mixtape (Ahh, the 80’s).

I lent it to her in an effort to be nice, to be sisterly, but she was not willing to give it back, no matter how many times I “nicely” asked. Instead of confronting her (because I knew it would escalate into a screaming match and we would both get into trouble) I went to my mom.

I told her what happened, hoping she could help me get my tape back, and her response was “Beth, can’t you just be nice to your sister? Let it go and listen to one of your other tapes for a while.”

I vividly remember how frustrated I was. Let it go? it was MY music! I didn’t WANT to “let it go.” I wanted what was rightly mine! However, despite my frustration, I obeyed my mother and I “played nice” — I let my sister have the tape.

Underneath that thin veil of nice, anger and resentment were brewing.

Being nice did not feel so nice and it certainly didn’t get me any closer to getting my tape back.

WHEN NICE ISN’T ALWAYS RIGHT

As I reflect on that memory, three little words, keep nagging at me — just “let it go.” In other words, don’t let it bother you. But what if it really DOES bother you? What then?

Sometimes, the act of playing nice can lead to masking our authentic selves. We hide our real needs or feelings, we avoid the real issue, and nothing gets resolved.  Worse, we wind up in a state of deep resentment, feeling done to and powerless.

As I look at the business landscape today, and the many conversations I’ve had with leaders, it seems our childhood teachings have translated to our adult beliefs — being “nice” is encouraged, and we are consistently reminded how it will benefit us, and our team, in the long run.

Being nice will build trust, being nice will build team camaraderie, being nice will keep people happy and engaged.  But is all of this really true?

What if being nice is only nice on the surface?  What if being nice is just preventing the real conversation that wants, that needs to take place?

Russ Edelman, the author of Nice Guys Can Get the Corner Office, says, “being too nice hampers your career growth and costs your business time and money.”

In a survey of 50 CEOs, Edelman asked about the impact of “being too nice” on their businesses. The CEOs responded that being too nice cost them 8 percent of their gross revenues — 8 percent!

Edelman goes on to say that managers who are too nice have a hard time making decisions on their own.

They don’t want to offend others by not asking for their input or feedback, so they include everyone in their decision-making which leads to wasted time and even missed opportunities.

Managers who are too nice also ignore problems rather than facing them directly. They worry about hurting other people’s feelings, so they avoid the conversations that are critical to success.

At Fierce, we know that conversations are the catalyst for progress and change — what gets talked about, and more importantly how it gets talked about, determines what will or won’t happen.   

Effective leaders know this too, so they invite the real, open, honest conversations that are necessary to turn their culture of “nice” into a culture of results.

Instead of being preoccupied with coming off nice, these leaders will commit to authentic, sometimes raw conversations to get successful results.

MY REALIZATION

Personally speaking, the leaders I have the most respect for are those who were able to reveal my blind spots to me. I can remember a time in my career when I was poised to move into a new role. I wanted this role so badly I could taste it. I felt I had done everything right to be the perfect candidate for this position and it was clearly mine to lose.

Well, I lost it. When it came time to announce the position, it didn’t go to me, it went to a peer of mine, And I was absolutely shocked. Truly. When I asked the hiring manager why I wasn’t chosen, her response was very interesting.

It wasn’t easy to hear, but it was an insight I didn’t have. She told me that I lacked a leadership “voice,” Which specifically for me, was the ability to speak up and share my opinions in meetings and with peers, even when it wasn’t the popular thing to say.

She told me I was afraid to ask the tough questions — she was right!

That was a hard pill to swallow and I admit, I was a little resentful at first. But what I realized over time, is that this manager gave me a gift. By telling me what I needed to hear, she allowed me the opportunity to grow and improve myself.  For that, I am eternally grateful.

When leaders stop worrying about being nice and start mastering the courage to give difficult feedback or confront behavior, real growth occurs, and trust is built.

Ask yourself, how am I showing up? Am I masking my true thoughts and feelings so others will see me as likable, easy to work with, non-confrontational? If so, what is that costing me, my team, our results?

WHAT YOU CAN DO

If you find yourself sliding down the slippery slope of “nice,” here are three behaviors that I have seen successful leaders leverage to get back on track and start getting real with themselves and others:

1. Replace the word “nice” with “in service”

Nice is saying what you think the person wants to hear. Being “in service” is saying what you know the person needs to hear in order to improve and get better. There is something within each of us that responds to those who level with us, who don’t suggest our compromises for us.  Be that person for your team.

Engaging in productive conflict, while difficult, makes for better performance overall, both for the individual and for the organization because you are getting to the root of problems and working from the ground up to solve them together.

Ask yourself “what can I do to be in-service of this person, this team, this client?”

2. Stop procrastinating and have the conversation

If you are an 11th-hour junkie, especially when it comes to having those sticky uncomfortable conversations, a small bit of advice: Stop it.

As George Eliot once said, “Falsehood is easy.  The truth is difficult.”

Acknowledge that some conversations are simply NOT easy, regardless of how hard you try to make them so.  Nice people tend to avoid the conversations that make them uncomfortable such as giving critical feedback or confronting someone’s behavior.

Of course, there are legitimate reasons to be scared about having some conversations.

Let’s be honest, some people do not react well when confronted, regardless of how eloquent and thoughtful you are. This is the reality.

However, what is also reality is that the cost of not having the conversation is much greater than the risk of it going badly. The value of the hard conversation is that it helps us solve problems.

As the saying goes, you get what you tolerate. When we play it nice and avoid the conversations that really need to take place, our results (and the results of our team members) continue to suffer.

3. Stay curious

Many times, when we have a difficult message to deliver, we write the script. In other words, we prepare exactly what we are going to say and what the other person will likely say in response to our words, in an effort to “help” the conversation be successful.  Trouble is, the conversation never sticks to the script.

As human beings, we are often lured into false truths based on how we think we “see it.” This can lead us to act on our assumptions and enter the conversation with what I like to call a “dump and run” mentality — how can I share my thoughts as swiftly as possible, get them to “see things my way”, and then get out before they have time to argue?

If this sounds familiar to you, here is a tip:  commit to asking three questions during the conversation. Invite the two-way dialogue by getting curious and asking more questions. Work to see the situation through the other person’s eyes.

It doesn’t mean you have to change your perspective but be willing to explore. Share your own opinion and challenge yourself to explore the other person’s reality.

A culture of results does not mean you need to “fight” for your perspective to be heard. Just like being too nice has its consequences, being too bull-headed or unyielding in your beliefs can do an equal amount of harm.

Seek to understand the other person while exploring the issue or topic at hand. It’s not an either/or. It is a both/and.

So how are you showing up? Are you modeling the behavior you wish to see from others or are you sliding down the slippery slope of niceness?

When we stop “letting things go” and start having the real, open, transparent conversations, we begin to build a shared culture that increases engagement and enables us to achieve the results we want.

Want to stop being nice and start having open, authentic conversations but don’t know where to begin? Download our free eBook, 5 Conversations You Need to Start Having Today, to learn how YOU can start changing your workplace culture for the better.

Have you ever noticed yourself or your team side-stepping real issues, soft-pedaling critical feedback, or avoiding uncomfortable conversations altogether?

Many company leaders have admitted to us that their organizations suffer from this type of culture, a “culture of nice” if you will, where people are afraid to speak openly or confront the behavior of others for fear they may “rock the boat” or be judged as challenging the status quo.

Why does this happen? Because we’re taught to treat others with kindness and to always “play nice.”

We’ve been told that being known as the person who speaks up against something they feel is wrong is bad because it will lead you to being perceived as too harsh or too honest.

Rather, insisting on keeping the peace — no matter the consequences — is the appropriate behavior.

You see this mindset show up in business all the time.

If you’ve ever used or heard the phrases “kill them with kindness” or “be a team player” or “it never hurts to be the nice guy,” you’ve been subject to a culture of “nice.”

So, why is being too nice in the workplace so devastating to organizations?

WHAT IS GOING ON?

John Seffrin, the former CEO of the American Cancer Society, once said, “when managers are TOO nice, they’re in fact not being nice at all and they’re doing a disservice to the people they manage.”

Take a second and reread that sentence. What is Seffrin implying about being TOO nice?

What he’s saying is when someone is TOO nice in the workplace — regardless of intentions — it can lead us to become enablers of bad behavior and bad ideas. And what do bad behaviors and bad ideas do for organizations? Nothing good that’s for sure.

Now, I’m not saying being nice is bad, because it absolutely is not. Being nice is a worthy attribute.

However, when “nice” starts to get in the way of real results, having a culture of nice is no longer beneficial to your organization and can lead to a host of challenges, including in the following areas:

Talent: When a manager is too nice to an employee who isn’t performing, or a peer refuses to give feedback to another peer that isn’t pulling their weight, the bar for what is “acceptable” drops and your talent pool follows.

The underperformers are never held accountable to their behavior, so the behavior continues, and festers — and the rest of the team begins to suffer as well.

The employees who are performing well, or the colleagues who are taking on additional workload to make up for the lackluster performance of another, become frustrated, resentful and demotivated.

Relationships suffer, turnover is rampant, and the talent you ARE able to hold onto is typically the group who is underperforming. There is very little growth and development, leading to our next cost…

Productivity: Employees who are never told what they are doing wrong, or what they could do better, understandably believe they are doing GREAT and so they continue with the same behavior. This leads to a plummet in productivity.

Without the right skills/talent to do the work, it is harder to get the work done and done well. Managers who refuse to confront behavior end up settling for mediocrity. A mediocre talent pool leads to mediocre results, at best.

Money: Clearly, low productivity and mediocre talent lead to a whole host of problems that affect the bottom line. A business will not perform to their highest potential without the talent to get them there.

Russ Edeleman, president and CEO of Corridor Consulting and founder of Nice Guy Strategies, LLC conducted a survey of 50 top CEOs. In the survey, he asked them what the cost to their business was for being too nice.

Collectively, The CEOs responded by saying that being too nice cost them roughly 8 percent of their gross revenues. For a business making $1 million a year, that’s $80,000. For a business making $10 million a year, that’s $800,000!

The inability to take initiative and go after being a better business, avoiding tough conversations with managers or other business leaders, caused their companies to miss out on opportunities that would have contributed significantly to the bottom line.

TACKLING THE ISSUE HEAD ON

As you can see, being too nice causes talent to decline, relationships to suffer, productivity to plummet, trust to erode, and the bottom line to dwindle.

So, what can you do to combat this problem?

First, think deeply about the type of culture you DO want to be a part of, a culture that you want to foster. What does that require of you?

Yes, there will be issues that are legitimately outside of your control.

However, you have the power to steer the culture in the direction you want to go. We have the power to engage in conversations that both build the relationships we want AND get us the results we expect.

At Fierce, we know that conversations are the work of the leader and the workhorses of the organization. They are the catalyst for progress and change.

What gets talked about and more importantly HOW it gets talked about, determines, what will or won’t happen. Great leaders know this too, so they invite the real, open, honest conversations that are necessary to turn the culture of NICE into a culture of RESULTS.

Below are three conversations you can start having right now to better promote a culture that is authentic, honest and most importantly, sets your organization up for success:

1. The Feedback Conversation

Consider this: Our careers, our companies, our relationships, and our very lives succeed or fail, gradually, then suddenly, one conversation at a time.

The bad news is, most of us don’t wake up until suddenly. The pain of suddenly is what motivates us — a bad review, the loss of a key employee, or discontentment with our current employment.

Highly effective leaders know this, and they track the trends. Every day, they know their results are either moving in the direction they want them to go, or not. They notice that their team members are either productive, thriving, and engaged, or they are confused, overwhelmed and floundering.

Highly effective leaders know where their teams stand, and they use this information to course correct.

When something is off track, when the team isn’t achieving their desired results, or an employee’s performance is not where it should be, they pause and HAVE the conversation.

Feedback is a conversation in which we help ourselves and others stay awake during the gradually so that we arrive at our desired suddenly.

2. The Confrontation Conversation

As Robert Redford’s character said in the movie, The Horse Whisperer, “knowing something is easy, saying it out loud is the hard part.”

Confrontation conversations are NOT easy. In fact, these are often the very conversations we put off, make excuses for, avoid, or tip-toe around. We are THAT uncomfortable with them. Nice people avoid confrontation because it is uncomfortable, of course.

There are legitimate reasons to be scared about having some conversations. Let’s be honest — some people do not react well when confronted, regardless of how eloquent and thoughtful you are. This is the reality.

However, what is also reality is that the cost of not having the conversation is much greater than the risk of it going badly. The value of confrontation is that it helps us solve problems.

As the saying goes, you get what you tolerate. When we don’t confront behavior, our results (and the results of our team members) continue to suffer.

So, if you feel a conversation is needed, then likely it is. For those of you worried about the failed conversation, remember this – a careful conversation IS a failed conversation because it merely postpones the conversation that wants and needs to take place.

3. The Team Conversation

Unfortunately, team meetings can be a breeding ground for “nice” or agreeable behavior.

Think about it, we’ve all been in THAT meeting where one person dominates the discussion and the rest of the team sits there in the land of “corporate nod” – nodding their heads in agreement, but not saying a word.

If you could peek into these team members brains and read their thoughts, I bet you would read things like “This is never going to work,” or “why didn’t she ask me for my suggestion before this meeting – does she not know I am an expert in this?” Or, “yeah, yeah, we’ve been down this road before, what a waste of time. Maybe if I sit here and keep nodding this meeting with get over sooner.”

Team meetings are a place where nice prevails on the surface, AND multiple, competing perspectives DO exist.

So, what’s the problem when we stay on a level of constant “agreement”? According to Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon, “being too agreeable can make you more susceptible to something called “groupthink.” A group’s tendency to ditch independent thought in favor of the collective agreement.

Teams with too many highly agreeable people on them tend to fall into this trap more often The danger in groupthink is that it stifles creativity and the ability to successfully problem solve. This makes for less than effective team meetings and may be why we find ourselves, seemingly, in the same meeting over and over and over.

The key to ditching groupthink and making your team meetings more successful is knowing that inviting multiple perspectives is twofold. Number one is making sure you are literally inviting the right people to the table, and number two is ensuring all voices are heard.

Once you have the right people in the room, be sure to hear from everyone.

When only the external processors are heard, we lose the perspective of people who may need more time to process. Many fewer dominant people clearly see the undercurrent of your team or organization, and their perspective can be invaluable.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

By leaving niceness behind and taking advantage of these conversations types, your culture will begin to shift and you will start seeing real, open and transparent conversations happening that will get you the business results you crave.

When employees and leaders come together to share their perspectives, ask critical questions, and tackle the tough challenges, they are building a shared culture that increases engagement and enables the entire team to take accountability for that culture.

Curious to read about the ROI of having skillful, authentic conversations? Download our whitepaper today to learn about the relationship between ROI and ROE, and how you can implement both into your overarching strategy.